2000 words of pain and I'm still not done. How does it hurt so much still?

Mare's Injury Feelings

The below is taken and slightly edited from the description of one of my videos, but I think it fits.

So this video is one of my favorites, and also means a ton to me.

My horse injured her self and is out for probably 6 months. At the least, there's a good chance it will be more, especially if you count all the time we will spend getting her back into some sort of shape through lots and lots of walking. At first I was just super angry and super sad. Angry at myself, angry at the world, and maybe even slightly angry at her. And sad, well, I just could not wrap my head around it all, felt so bad for my horse, and honestly, myself too, even though that sounds so self centered. This was literally days before our first show, which I had been counting down to for literally weeks. And a couple weeks before Christmas.

Then after a couple days I started calming down a bit, doing some research on treatments and stuff. Of course then I discovered some horses don't recover from this. They never jump again. Of course that put me in a slump. And I started making this video. Although I have since found out that most horses actually do return to some sort of work. maybe. This video has a lot of my feelings in it and I think helped me accept her injury, and decide to take it as a learning experience. Helped me decide that no matter what, she will always be special to me, always mean something to me, and I'm never letting go of her. She is the light in my life. Even when I was upset because of her, it was to her stall and her sweet face that I would go to for comfort. So this video is super special to me, including almost every single clip, and I actually think it is one of the best I have ever made. I won't go and explain all the meaning, but I love this video so much.

Not trying to give attitude

So apparently I'm giving my parents "attitude". And maybe I am, I admit. But i'm really not trying to. I'm just not sure they understand how worried I am about my mare. I can't stop thinking about her and I want her to get completely better so bad. I'm just so worried about her that when they say I can't go to the barn to give her the meds she is supposed to get I get really uptight. All I can think about is that she might not get her meds, or her creme, and definitely won't get her legs rewrapped, and might not get her stall cleaned. UGH! I just want her to get better! I'm trying really hard, and its so close to Christmas, but I'm so worried. And also today I went to the doctor because my knee is still bothering me and I will probably have to get surgery, either now, or possibly during the season, or not at all. And that scared the heck out of me too. I just don't know. I'm sorry Mom and Dad.

Scared of Trying Again

So I tried out for, thought I had a good chance of making it, and didn't make it on the swing team at school last week. Now there is still club(which a lot of team members also go to). And yes, he goes. But some how I'm finding it hard to go again this week. It's like I've been there and they've seen me try for the team and not make it. And I guess in my mind that means I fail, and I don't like it when people know I fail, hence I really don't want to go back even though I enjoy it, and I enjoy the people. Failing to me is almost physically painful, like getting stabbed through the heart, but I just normally don't let people see it, acting nonchalant about it. As I'm writing this I'm seeing how silly I'm being, but really, I hate it when people see me fail. So we will see. Maybe I will go. Maybe I won't go. The problem is I also don't want to be seen as a quitter who tried out didn't make it and then just left. Sort of contradictory huh? I'm thinking maybe just skip one week and then go. But then it would seem like I'm quitting. So maybe go this week and then decide after that. I'm not sure. Just a little scared.

Ground work...my new favorite activity?

So since Lolli's been having some minor leading problems, and also loading problems yesterday, I decided to just do groundwork today. And it was possibly one of the best days I've had with her in a long time. It was just so relaxing. We weren't trying to rush into something. We weren't doing something that involved a lot of focus, but we could just enjoy each others company. And from start to finish I definitely felt like I knew her more and we trusted and understood each other more. Not that we don't other days, just this was so...so....refreshing. Hopefully now we will have solved some of those problems, but even if we didn't it was an awesome lesson. I guess somedays you have to step back, look at what needs to be done, when it needs to be done, and take an easy day. Focus on a short term goal. You don't always have to be taking giant leaps towards the long term. Slow down and just enjoy the time you have now.

Why doesn't he get the hint?

So I keep mentioning to Dad that he should get me a doctors appointment. He says yeah maybe, but still hasn't. It's been two weeks. If he really knew me he would know that I don't want to bug him about it because I don't really want to go. He would notice that when ever I talk about my knee I say it's still sore at some points.

I realize it's partly my fault. But I really don't want to go and have the doctor tell me I can't run for another 3 weeks, or more likely I have to have a minor surgery. But I also don't want it to get worse. And I would rather not play now, then not be able to play in the spring, or farther along not be able to play at all. The doctor even said I should come back after the season is over. I still can't move it as far as my other knee without it feeling weird. It doesn't really hurt, but I think it would hurt other people pretty badly considering it almost hurts. And also even when my knee was first hurt and I couldn't walk on it. It hurt, but not really badly, I thought I should be able to walk on it, and I tried, but I feel like other people would have not moved all day. And it still hurts when I twist it, like when I roll over in bed ( although, again, it's not really a hurt, but a, "that doesn't feel right."). So I really should go to the doctor, but I only wish Dad would decide that too and make me go.

The Last Hoorah!

The very last part of the TJFH season was tonight with the Fall Sports banquet. It was sad, but nice to see everyone together again one last time, although hopefully we still have the team sleepover. I love these girls so much. "She is one of the most hard working and will go far...And the one good thing about her and Laura being injured was they became really close." Sort of what Coach said about me. And I am not trying to brag. Just trying to remember. It is true though. A lot of my good memories of those three horrible weeks of not playing was passing with Laura at the games, pretending to run around and be as crazy as we could. Practicing flicking and pushes and trying almost anything. Have you ever played field hockey with crutches? We did. Thrown ice cubes at people as they ran by? We did. Had races of the gimps? We did. One on one, with crutches as a stick and or support including jabs? We did. Wishing we could play? We did. I guess you could say we became really good friends. It was a great season though, and I'm gonna miss every single person on this team. There will never be another season like this. I love TJFH '10.