2000 words of pain and I'm still not done. How does it hurt so much still?

Mare's Injury Feelings

The below is taken and slightly edited from the description of one of my videos, but I think it fits.

So this video is one of my favorites, and also means a ton to me.

My horse injured her self and is out for probably 6 months. At the least, there's a good chance it will be more, especially if you count all the time we will spend getting her back into some sort of shape through lots and lots of walking. At first I was just super angry and super sad. Angry at myself, angry at the world, and maybe even slightly angry at her. And sad, well, I just could not wrap my head around it all, felt so bad for my horse, and honestly, myself too, even though that sounds so self centered. This was literally days before our first show, which I had been counting down to for literally weeks. And a couple weeks before Christmas.

Then after a couple days I started calming down a bit, doing some research on treatments and stuff. Of course then I discovered some horses don't recover from this. They never jump again. Of course that put me in a slump. And I started making this video. Although I have since found out that most horses actually do return to some sort of work. maybe. This video has a lot of my feelings in it and I think helped me accept her injury, and decide to take it as a learning experience. Helped me decide that no matter what, she will always be special to me, always mean something to me, and I'm never letting go of her. She is the light in my life. Even when I was upset because of her, it was to her stall and her sweet face that I would go to for comfort. So this video is super special to me, including almost every single clip, and I actually think it is one of the best I have ever made. I won't go and explain all the meaning, but I love this video so much.

Not trying to give attitude

So apparently I'm giving my parents "attitude". And maybe I am, I admit. But i'm really not trying to. I'm just not sure they understand how worried I am about my mare. I can't stop thinking about her and I want her to get completely better so bad. I'm just so worried about her that when they say I can't go to the barn to give her the meds she is supposed to get I get really uptight. All I can think about is that she might not get her meds, or her creme, and definitely won't get her legs rewrapped, and might not get her stall cleaned. UGH! I just want her to get better! I'm trying really hard, and its so close to Christmas, but I'm so worried. And also today I went to the doctor because my knee is still bothering me and I will probably have to get surgery, either now, or possibly during the season, or not at all. And that scared the heck out of me too. I just don't know. I'm sorry Mom and Dad.

Why doesn't he get the hint?

So I keep mentioning to Dad that he should get me a doctors appointment. He says yeah maybe, but still hasn't. It's been two weeks. If he really knew me he would know that I don't want to bug him about it because I don't really want to go. He would notice that when ever I talk about my knee I say it's still sore at some points.

I realize it's partly my fault. But I really don't want to go and have the doctor tell me I can't run for another 3 weeks, or more likely I have to have a minor surgery. But I also don't want it to get worse. And I would rather not play now, then not be able to play in the spring, or farther along not be able to play at all. The doctor even said I should come back after the season is over. I still can't move it as far as my other knee without it feeling weird. It doesn't really hurt, but I think it would hurt other people pretty badly considering it almost hurts. And also even when my knee was first hurt and I couldn't walk on it. It hurt, but not really badly, I thought I should be able to walk on it, and I tried, but I feel like other people would have not moved all day. And it still hurts when I twist it, like when I roll over in bed ( although, again, it's not really a hurt, but a, "that doesn't feel right."). So I really should go to the doctor, but I only wish Dad would decide that too and make me go.

The Last Hoorah!

The very last part of the TJFH season was tonight with the Fall Sports banquet. It was sad, but nice to see everyone together again one last time, although hopefully we still have the team sleepover. I love these girls so much. "She is one of the most hard working and will go far...And the one good thing about her and Laura being injured was they became really close." Sort of what Coach said about me. And I am not trying to brag. Just trying to remember. It is true though. A lot of my good memories of those three horrible weeks of not playing was passing with Laura at the games, pretending to run around and be as crazy as we could. Practicing flicking and pushes and trying almost anything. Have you ever played field hockey with crutches? We did. Thrown ice cubes at people as they ran by? We did. Had races of the gimps? We did. One on one, with crutches as a stick and or support including jabs? We did. Wishing we could play? We did. I guess you could say we became really good friends. It was a great season though, and I'm gonna miss every single person on this team. There will never be another season like this. I love TJFH '10.

Weekend and observance

She sits with the group, just like she belongs. Perfectly normal. But upon closer examination, even from afar you can tell she isn’t really.

It may be hard to tell at first if she isn’t part of the group because of her choice, or not, but the eyes give it away. They stay steady straight ahead, following the people that walk by. They wander over to the group across the hallway, and a slight smile spreads across her face as a joke is made. Made in that other group. The little signs give it away that she wishes she was there, across the hall.

Her friends talk on, assuming she is the quiet one like always. What they don’t realize is that she isn’t really quiet, she just likes to listen, but give her the chance to talk, especially about something she enjoys and she could go on for hours.

She rejoins the conversation for a bit, but again her gaze drifts away. This time not following people, but lost with in her self. Clearly pondering deeper thoughts then are currently being discussed in the circle. A smile shows on her face as someone makes a joke in the group, but it isn’t a true smile, nor as big as the other members.


I don’t know why I wrote this. I don’t really feel this way. Sure maybe somedays, but not usually. Not today I don’t think. Just something to ponder. It’s amazing how much you can learn about someone from there body language.

This past weekend was fun. LOCK-IN! I pulled off not sleeping for 24 hours. And I must say that talent show was so-proooo!! Made it especially good after we spent a good three hours getting everything to work and it turned out great! ;P

Managed to injury myself again ☺ Don’t even know how this time. I just couldn’t bend my right wrist down all weekend though and it was a little sore. Much better today, I’ve been stretching it, but the trainers don’t have a clue, so they just wrapped it for me for practice Monday.

Hopefully the rest of the week will be good ☺

Silly Ankle

So yes. My ankle is swollen and sore again. But yet again I refuse to go to the trainers. It's been sore/swollen on and off for almost 2 weeks now. Just not sore enough to go be told I can't play for 3 weeks by the trainers. It only hurts when I punt or kick the soccer ball badly and don't lock my ankle. It just doesn't seem worth it to me. Although I have also considered the fact that I'm just being stupid.

But until I get a better reason to see the trainer or we don't have a game with in a few days, I think ice will solve my problem just fine :)