Closure. I need closure. The soccer season is not closed. It's just not. We haven't had any real practices this week. Monday was a game and Tuesday was inside with varsity and yesterday it was only for 45 minutes because of rain. Today we lost. I can't stand it. After wards the coaches were talking about the season a little bit, for like 2 minutes, but I was too worked up to listen. I had wanted to win. Bad. Really bad. Now its just over. Over. Nothing more. It all stops. Stops suddenly like a horse refuses a jump. And that same deadly feeling enters my stomach. Coach Luis, the one I really respect and who actually knows what he is doing all he says is to make sure we turn in equipment. What is up with that?! Tell us something. Tell us how badly we played today. Tell us anything, but not that. I don't want to. Then when we are leaving he asks someone if they will be at practice tomorrow. That of course reminds me that some people are getting pulled up to Varsity. I assume its the people that were at practice the other day. Which I was. But I had also never heard anything official about it. I ask someone else. They say they got an email about it. They probably couldn't tell but that was like a bullet right through the heart, but not killing. Then getting shot again and again. I'd been trying not to get my hopes up all week. Trying to tell myself they already had two goalies. But I'm not sure anyone understands how much I wanted to get pulled up. I even had a dream the other night that the back up goalie broke her leg. I was so happy in my dream. Of course I would feel so bad for her in real life and feel really bad taking her spot. At least I think. Nobody understands how much I wanted this. it would have made my life. So much. That is what put me over the edge. And I have to love Namita for looking at me and just knowing something was up. She really did. She came over and game me a hug, and it made me start crying, but it was exactly what I needed. Exactly. That and she told me how good I was in goal. Made me laugh. Made it not so bad, even though she thought I was crying at the game, which was probably a lot of it, but it was also life.
“The only service a friend can really render is to keep your courage by holding up to you a mirror in which you can see a noble image of yourself” -George Bernard Shaw
Basically what Namita did that for me. Let me look at me from the outside. See I don't need to be as good as K-Mart yet. I might not totally believe it, but for the moment it did. And actually I'm not sure she will ever know how much what she did meant to me. It did me so much good.
I wish more people would do that. Its horrible of me, but I hide my feelings and still expect people to find a way to see through me and help me out. I think I do it so I can see who really knows me and cares, even though I know there are plenty of people who care for me but can't always see through my disguise.
“Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over.” - Gloria Naylor
Back to closure. Something needs to happen. I can't just let the season go like this. It will bug me.
Also. While we were warming up the softball field was blasting Party in the U.S.A. I could barely hear it, but it brought back memories of field hockey. I miss that too. Can't wait till the fall for that. Of course I really want to be on varsity for that too. We will see how this works out.
Please don't shot me. Just give me love and attention and I will be forever grateful.
“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”
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