What can you do when...

...you don't know what you want. I know it shouldn't be a problem, yet half the time it's so true. I want to really do something, but want to make everyone else happy at the same time. It just doesn't work. You want both, or neither. It is really the most horrible thing, yet at least for me it is unavoidable it would seem. Like right now, how am I am I happy one moment, and literally drowning in madness two minutes later. I don't understand. Example. Tonight at senior night game. Dad is ready to leave. I don't want to. But I also don't want to make him hang around. What do I do? I leave. Get in the car and then say I want to go back. We drive out of the parking lot and then turn around to come back. We get back and I decide I don't want to. It would be so awkward to just walk in again when everyone else is leaving, yet I am dying to talk to some of the varsity players. UGH! I want to be on varsity so bad too. And i'm not sure whats gonna happen next year, which makes me nervous. Very nervous. Lots of training this summer, although I wish I could work with KMart more, because I swear she is a freakin' genius. She's just so good. Like undefinably good. If I could be half as good as her I would be really good and really happy. I want to be on varsity so bad. UGH! I don't think anyone understands how much. Which sort of leaves me to the next answer of above title...

...your trying to pull a whole team up by yourself. Game tonight. So first half I made one of the stupider of stupid mistakes (Okay, so everyone else says it wasn't really my fault, but really. I should have gotten the ball. It was totally my fault, so you can take what you want out of that. It was a cross from the 18 and I was just stuck in no mans land) and let a goal in with about 20 minutes left in the first half. We were pretty even the rest of the half. Should have had at least one goal. Then the second half came. I don't know what happened, but the team played like shit. They played like we were up three nothing and could afford to let a goal in. It bugged me so much. I tried yelling at the team. I tried yelling at individual people. I tried telling. I tried everything, but we could not pick it up. It was basically in our half of the field the whole second half. They didn't deserve to win. They still didn't get any amazing shots off (Although 2 pretty good saves. One when a girl was turned around and the ball was about to bounce right in front of her and I just reached over her head and punched it away. Another off a corner where it was just flying in and I jumped up and grabbed it in the middle of everyone.) But we really didn't deserve to win either. I just didn't know what to do. I really wanted to just be out on the field so I could try to bring some energy to the team. Humpf. I just don't know what to do.


If you read all of this, cheers to you.