Love Hate Relation With Drama

First off, drama people have bug egos. Actors have even bigger. Just got to put that out there.

So, Drama (AKA, Pride and Prejudice) has started for me again now. I love it when I'm there, but when I think about what I could be doing otherwise I hate it. For example, I was dreading going today. Not wanting to go at all, wishing I could just go home. But once I got there I enjoyed myself. And even now when I'm home and just finished and enjoyed myself I don't really want to go back. Don't want to go again this week. Last year it wasn't like this. But last year there were different people.

I wish there were still the seniors from last year though. I miss them. Maybe I just don't know many of them this year, but it seems like half of Drama's personality has left. I miss them. I miss them a lot. I miss the role models they gave me and the fun times. I miss the protection they gave me from the other scary upperclassmen (not that they were that scary, but it always felt good to have a senior on our side). I miss having someone else in charge. I miss.

"Even though we've changed and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not still friends."

I guess thats the way you have to think about it. You move on, and change, but in the end are friends will always be are friends, no matter how much you see them. A friend you can always call up whether it be a good or bad day and they can make it even better. You can miss them, but you will see them again someday.

I wrote this at the end of school (spring chorus show, oh my) , so it's a couple months old, and really rough right now. Linebreaks need a lot of work, but the poem overall means a lot to me. But there are several lines that I can't seem to get right no matter what, but also a couple I absolutely love.

The breeze drifts
in the early summer air.
Stars poke out
as the clouds move in.
I lean back on the bench
and across the street
the lightning bugs dance
their first dance of summer.
I watch,
wishing I could join in.
I let a tear fall.
I am the last one
left at school.
But then,
suddenly,
I am laughing too,
laughing at myself,
the world,
and out of pure exhaustion.
I pause,
and feel the first raindrop.
And then I am up.
Running across the grass.
Singing, laughing, crying,
but all at once.
No one is around to hear
except for the night air.
And for once, I am glad.
I am free.

The grass tickles my feet,
but it only causes me
to jump higher.
I stop thinking
for a minute,
lost in myself.
I collapse in the grass.
Laughing and crying,
again.
Tears race down my face.
Not tears of happiness,
yet I still laugh.
I stare at the clouds
and the raindrops
mix with my tears.

Death day

School was....UGH!! Math test, which I might have done okay on, but I always think I do well, and then don't. I promise, i may look like I'm bad at math by my grade, but I really like it. THen bio quarter exam. Ew. Ew. Ew. I probably only knew 10/100 question for sure. But thats the same with everyone. It also ends up being who is good at guessing that gets the best grade. The sad thing is I love bio too, but I also need a good teacher...Humpf. Good teachers. I miss my old teachers. Mrs. Porterfield and Ms. Lambert to name a few. Such amazing times with my mind reading. Some how I also felt safe there. More free. More likely to let my guard down. Now, well, there are some people I can let my guard down around, but until you see me outside of school you probably don't really know me. I need people to know me too. Need people to come up to me and ask me if I'm okay and know that when I say "I guess I'm okay" it really means. "Ask me again. I want to tell you, but I'm scared". There used to be many people who understood me enough to do that. Now though I feel like there are only a few, and often those few are too busy to stop and notice. That bugs me. And then puts me in a worse mood. The thing is I also need this more then ever right now. Now when I often feel confused, lost, uncertain. But I realize they have there own stuff they need to do.