Not trying to give attitude

So apparently I'm giving my parents "attitude". And maybe I am, I admit. But i'm really not trying to. I'm just not sure they understand how worried I am about my mare. I can't stop thinking about her and I want her to get completely better so bad. I'm just so worried about her that when they say I can't go to the barn to give her the meds she is supposed to get I get really uptight. All I can think about is that she might not get her meds, or her creme, and definitely won't get her legs rewrapped, and might not get her stall cleaned. UGH! I just want her to get better! I'm trying really hard, and its so close to Christmas, but I'm so worried. And also today I went to the doctor because my knee is still bothering me and I will probably have to get surgery, either now, or possibly during the season, or not at all. And that scared the heck out of me too. I just don't know. I'm sorry Mom and Dad.

Scared of Trying Again

So I tried out for, thought I had a good chance of making it, and didn't make it on the swing team at school last week. Now there is still club(which a lot of team members also go to). And yes, he goes. But some how I'm finding it hard to go again this week. It's like I've been there and they've seen me try for the team and not make it. And I guess in my mind that means I fail, and I don't like it when people know I fail, hence I really don't want to go back even though I enjoy it, and I enjoy the people. Failing to me is almost physically painful, like getting stabbed through the heart, but I just normally don't let people see it, acting nonchalant about it. As I'm writing this I'm seeing how silly I'm being, but really, I hate it when people see me fail. So we will see. Maybe I will go. Maybe I won't go. The problem is I also don't want to be seen as a quitter who tried out didn't make it and then just left. Sort of contradictory huh? I'm thinking maybe just skip one week and then go. But then it would seem like I'm quitting. So maybe go this week and then decide after that. I'm not sure. Just a little scared.

Ground work...my new favorite activity?

So since Lolli's been having some minor leading problems, and also loading problems yesterday, I decided to just do groundwork today. And it was possibly one of the best days I've had with her in a long time. It was just so relaxing. We weren't trying to rush into something. We weren't doing something that involved a lot of focus, but we could just enjoy each others company. And from start to finish I definitely felt like I knew her more and we trusted and understood each other more. Not that we don't other days, just this was so...so....refreshing. Hopefully now we will have solved some of those problems, but even if we didn't it was an awesome lesson. I guess somedays you have to step back, look at what needs to be done, when it needs to be done, and take an easy day. Focus on a short term goal. You don't always have to be taking giant leaps towards the long term. Slow down and just enjoy the time you have now.

Why doesn't he get the hint?

So I keep mentioning to Dad that he should get me a doctors appointment. He says yeah maybe, but still hasn't. It's been two weeks. If he really knew me he would know that I don't want to bug him about it because I don't really want to go. He would notice that when ever I talk about my knee I say it's still sore at some points.

I realize it's partly my fault. But I really don't want to go and have the doctor tell me I can't run for another 3 weeks, or more likely I have to have a minor surgery. But I also don't want it to get worse. And I would rather not play now, then not be able to play in the spring, or farther along not be able to play at all. The doctor even said I should come back after the season is over. I still can't move it as far as my other knee without it feeling weird. It doesn't really hurt, but I think it would hurt other people pretty badly considering it almost hurts. And also even when my knee was first hurt and I couldn't walk on it. It hurt, but not really badly, I thought I should be able to walk on it, and I tried, but I feel like other people would have not moved all day. And it still hurts when I twist it, like when I roll over in bed ( although, again, it's not really a hurt, but a, "that doesn't feel right."). So I really should go to the doctor, but I only wish Dad would decide that too and make me go.

The Last Hoorah!

The very last part of the TJFH season was tonight with the Fall Sports banquet. It was sad, but nice to see everyone together again one last time, although hopefully we still have the team sleepover. I love these girls so much. "She is one of the most hard working and will go far...And the one good thing about her and Laura being injured was they became really close." Sort of what Coach said about me. And I am not trying to brag. Just trying to remember. It is true though. A lot of my good memories of those three horrible weeks of not playing was passing with Laura at the games, pretending to run around and be as crazy as we could. Practicing flicking and pushes and trying almost anything. Have you ever played field hockey with crutches? We did. Thrown ice cubes at people as they ran by? We did. Had races of the gimps? We did. One on one, with crutches as a stick and or support including jabs? We did. Wishing we could play? We did. I guess you could say we became really good friends. It was a great season though, and I'm gonna miss every single person on this team. There will never be another season like this. I love TJFH '10.

That competitive friendlyness

When people are competeing against each other even though they are friends it can be sort of funny to watch. Its a completely new situation then any other situation.

It starts out with the typical "hello's" possibly a "how are you doing?"although since they are competing neither would give a response indicating that they are bad off in anyway. And if it's on a field or someplace where they can move away it will often end here and each will go talk to a team mate, or some one they don't perceive as a threat or someone who will increase there chances of winning. But when the two are kept in close corridors it has to keep going as neither wants to be considered impolite for letting the conversation drop. You make casual conversation, nothing too deep, and almost definitely not about what you are competing for. Generally you can tell too, by the way someone talks to you if they think you are a threat to them or not.
Just watch next time your in the situation. It's quite interesting.

Change Quotes

Not that I'm avoiding homework or anything, but some of these quotes really hit something. And this video is absolutely amazing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AYwZb7Uv6XE&feature=sub

I need to remember this...

"There is nothing wrong with change, if it is in the right direction."

~Winston Churchill

Then ending of this one is sad, but the first half is so true.

"You've changed so much. I guess that's what happens. I wish you knew how much you changed me. I wonder if I changed you, if your life is different because of me. Because mine's different. You taught me so much, and now we don't even talk to each other. I guess that's what happens."

This one is just good.

"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."

One more...

"Any change, even a change for the better is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts."

~Arnold Bennett

Love Hate Relation With Drama

First off, drama people have bug egos. Actors have even bigger. Just got to put that out there.

So, Drama (AKA, Pride and Prejudice) has started for me again now. I love it when I'm there, but when I think about what I could be doing otherwise I hate it. For example, I was dreading going today. Not wanting to go at all, wishing I could just go home. But once I got there I enjoyed myself. And even now when I'm home and just finished and enjoyed myself I don't really want to go back. Don't want to go again this week. Last year it wasn't like this. But last year there were different people.

I wish there were still the seniors from last year though. I miss them. Maybe I just don't know many of them this year, but it seems like half of Drama's personality has left. I miss them. I miss them a lot. I miss the role models they gave me and the fun times. I miss the protection they gave me from the other scary upperclassmen (not that they were that scary, but it always felt good to have a senior on our side). I miss having someone else in charge. I miss.

"Even though we've changed and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not still friends."

I guess thats the way you have to think about it. You move on, and change, but in the end are friends will always be are friends, no matter how much you see them. A friend you can always call up whether it be a good or bad day and they can make it even better. You can miss them, but you will see them again someday.

What a day...

So there's this boy...I'm not gonna write about that right now, but there is...

It was a good Friday, even though I had a test in every class. I think I did decent, AKA not bad, but not good enough. Some how though, I didn't care. I would rather have fun then study for the extra 2 hours so I can get an A. Some how a B + 2 more hours free time seems good enough. I mean, if I was to die tomorrow, I don't want to have studied that extra two hours and then not take the test. I'm not saying I don't enjoy school and I don't like learning. I LOVE LEARNING! I just don't like tests. I'm working on it though. I know I need to get better grades this quarter and I will. The first quarter for me is always the worst. I just have to learn how hard I really have to work for an A. Well, except for French. French I am just bad at. I've been trying my hardest and working my butt off at it since day 1, and it is still my lowest grade, and it is a bad grade too. I just can't do it. It's the same grade from last year. UGH. I really do try!!

But it was still a good day. 8th period was pretty amazing. Especially b-block....

Have I mentioned that I love my pony. She was so good today. We did all sorts of flat work with poles. Canter poles, trot poles (3), trot poles with standards (2), raised trot poles. She just took it all in stride (haha get it. In stride. okay, its over. sorry 'bout that. I've eaten too much candy.) Aww but so sweet. And we were practicing our sitting trot and she was like umm...what are you doing? And you could just tell she was thinking about it and then she figure it out and relaxed with it!! What a smart girl. I also figured something out. Her biggest problem with the sitting trot is my hands tend to move a lot, which she hates. So I've found that if I raise my hands a little higher and focus on carrying them more, they stay stiller and Lolli goes better. She is so cute. I love her. Don't know what I would do with out her.

NaNoWriMo 2010: Day 1

www.nanowrimo.org

I am supposed to write 1667 words by the end of the day and I don't even have a plot. Hmmmm....I'm thinking if I find a plot by the end of the day today then I have all of tomorrow to catch up. Sounds like a plan.

My Chance to be 5

I love halloween. I love hanging out with friends, acting like 5 year olds, eating candy, trading candy, seeing everyone's costume. It really just makes me very happy. Then the next day comes the insanity of nanowrimo. And this weekend it just happens to be a four day weekend!

This year is probably my last year trick-or-treating though :( I'm getting too old for some people's liking I'm sure. We'll see though I wasn't planning on going this year, but I did. The three of us dressed up as Pooh Bear, Piglet and Tigger!

"Youth has no age."

Love my team. Hate to lose.

I stared, in the back of my head knowing it was going it, but still believing that Erin and Kelli would save us like they had so many times before. But then I heard the sound. The sound that can be heartbreaking on one end of the field and joyful on the other, unfortunately this time it was the former. Everyone stood and watched, myself included, as the ref blew the whistle and the other team burst out into cheers. But all we could do was watch. Stare in disbelief after 72 minutes of hard play seeing everything slip away from us, just out of our grasp. The statistics all point our way. More shots, more corners, and more time spent in there half. But in the end it didn’t matter. It still got taken away.

I love my team. My girls. My friends. I will always remember you guys no matter what our season ended like. Thanks for an awesome season. It wouldn't be the same next year. <3

Good day

What amazing friends I have. I could never ask for anything better. They all made my day today whether they know it or not. I love them all. So many presents and baked goods. But really it was the smiles and cards that went along with it that made my day. All the cards are now tacked on my wall so the next time I need to know someone cares for me they are there for me to see.

I also love my FH team. Everyone on the team is extremely nice. Playing the team we played tonight (who we beat to go undefeated in the district! Whoot!) made me realize how special and tight are team really is. They were yelling and cursing at each other, and just playing really poorly and getting angry at everyone, including us and their teammate when we would do nothing wrong. Our team is so much better then that. And I think I realized just how special we are. And I think this that someone said pretty much sums it up

"This is a special group of girls. You couldn't ask for anything better."

Other happenings in the game include getting hit hard in the hand about 30 seconds after I went in. It immediately started swelling up and I had a little cut. After the game I was showing it to the team and Coach H comes over and shows Coach D, they send me over to the trainer to get ice. Everyone was so worried, especially P. She sends me back with out a band-aide (it was bleeding pretty bad). On the way back everyone on the team starts singing to me. When Coach H sees I don't have a band-aide she marches on over to get me a band-aide and comes back and helps me put it on. Meanwhile, Coach D is telling me to make sure I ice it real well. I love my team. And it's good to know they care if I get injured.

My parents and brother all went to the game too. Thanks for coming guys, I really appreciate it even if I don't fully show it.

Thanks to my friends(teammates included) and family for letting me have a very special day.

So i'm teching my first event, all by myself on Friday. AHH! I hope i don't die. I'm actually like really stressing out about it. Suddenly learning how much I really don't know. Sure, I know all the technical stuff, but not the stuff before hand, like who people need to talk to to get the piano. And what if I forgot how to operate everything over the summer. Please don't kill me. Please don't kill me. I wish Anna was back/I could ask questions. Ugh. I really don't want to screw up. I hate being wrong more then I hate losing. Speaking of which we won our Field Hockey game last night 2-0. I even got to play the whole game. It's gonna be a good season... As long as I don't die on Friday. I think all the seniors should just not leave.

I wrote this at the end of school (spring chorus show, oh my) , so it's a couple months old, and really rough right now. Linebreaks need a lot of work, but the poem overall means a lot to me. But there are several lines that I can't seem to get right no matter what, but also a couple I absolutely love.

The breeze drifts
in the early summer air.
Stars poke out
as the clouds move in.
I lean back on the bench
and across the street
the lightning bugs dance
their first dance of summer.
I watch,
wishing I could join in.
I let a tear fall.
I am the last one
left at school.
But then,
suddenly,
I am laughing too,
laughing at myself,
the world,
and out of pure exhaustion.
I pause,
and feel the first raindrop.
And then I am up.
Running across the grass.
Singing, laughing, crying,
but all at once.
No one is around to hear
except for the night air.
And for once, I am glad.
I am free.

The grass tickles my feet,
but it only causes me
to jump higher.
I stop thinking
for a minute,
lost in myself.
I collapse in the grass.
Laughing and crying,
again.
Tears race down my face.
Not tears of happiness,
yet I still laugh.
I stare at the clouds
and the raindrops
mix with my tears.

New Seniors?

What happens when someone moves on. They leave or move away. They've taught you a lot. Shown you around. Started letting you see who you really are and giving you an example to live up to. But then they leave. Graduate. It's not your fault, but neither is it theirs. Thats just the way things work.

I don't want new freshman at school this year. I don't want to be a sophomore. The seniors all need to come back. I haven't learned everything I need to from them. These are the people that all year I watched walk among the hallways like they own them. The one's who were always calm cool and collect (except when they found out about colleges). Sure, there will be new seniors this year, but what will they know? They are always juniors in my mind. The class of 2010 had people in it that I respected above all else, and always will. Nothing can change that. I didn't get to learn everything I should have or could have or will from them, but I wish them all well in college or whatever else they may be doing, even if they are leaving me with out completing my lessons from them.

A perfect summer...

What an amazing summer. Spending half days at the barn with my best friend, scattered with meetings of other friends through out. Busy enough, but no overwhelming. Then making the varsity field hockey team. I'm not sure I could ask for more and not feel greedy.

I'll finish this alter mabybe.

Happy

I've been in such a great mood recently. Not sure what it is. But I love it. Even though there are so many things that I should be hating right now (my french Pals and presentation. eww) I can't help but look past those and just enjoy. I've also found this great song. I've listened to it a billion hundred times in the past day I think. It's just so peaceful. Take a listen

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5XkwJJW0lB4

Also my pony was so incredible this weekend. Something just clicked. I swear we could have done almost everything. I was ready to pack up and just go to a dressage show right then and there.

Life is good.

True Beauty

"Horses lend us the wings we lack."

Shining in the late afternoon sun and soft clop of hooves falls over the gravel. Then in the ring they make a softer sound and the dirt is heard flying as we go faster. A slight movement on my part and suddenly we are flying down the edge of the ring in an extended canter.

I feel the power between my fingers and let it run between them as we keep going. Upon reaching the corner though I give a slight squeeze and with in a second I am holding the power in my hands. Ready to do with it what I like. I take even more power and suddenly we are back in a collected trot. I can feel Lolli's head at the end of the reins, yet it is light and I am not holding it there. It is there of its own accord.

I glance down at our shadow. A perfect silhouette is outlined in the sand of the ring. Horse and rider move forward together. I smile. We reach the end of the ring and turn. Once again with a slight movement of my body and suddenly we are taking off in and extended trot. The power beneath me is amazing and yet I know there is more. I know this because I can feel it between my hands. I can't help but smile even more. The joy, the wonder of these amazing creatures.

Most people would say you have to see beauty, yet in these moments I feel it and am able to hold it between my hands.

Oh my...

It's been a rough day. I've been in sort of a bad mood, and probably have been sort of trying to stay there which is bad. This morning I was doing everything I could to not look at the few JV players still coming in with there bag. I just couldn't look. I was afraid I would just totally not be able to stand it. Then several times today I've had people come up to me and say what a great save I made yesterday, some even imitating it. (it was a one handed save from a one on one about 7 yards out.) this includes people who were there and saw it and multiple people who have heard about it. Wow. Very surprising. The toughest moment of the day though was definitely when I was working with someone (who got moved up) and someone came over and said "i heard both of you got moved up to varsity. Congratulations." It pained me so much to say, "well, no, I didn't get moved up, but she did." Such a horrible feeling. But I said it.

No One Understand Just How Much I Want It

I've got a lot of ranting to do. And i understand no one cares probably, but it keeps me sane. Sorry.

Closure. I need closure. The soccer season is not closed. It's just not. We haven't had any real practices this week. Monday was a game and Tuesday was inside with varsity and yesterday it was only for 45 minutes because of rain. Today we lost. I can't stand it. After wards the coaches were talking about the season a little bit, for like 2 minutes, but I was too worked up to listen. I had wanted to win. Bad. Really bad. Now its just over. Over. Nothing more. It all stops. Stops suddenly like a horse refuses a jump. And that same deadly feeling enters my stomach. Coach Luis, the one I really respect and who actually knows what he is doing all he says is to make sure we turn in equipment. What is up with that?! Tell us something. Tell us how badly we played today. Tell us anything, but not that. I don't want to. Then when we are leaving he asks someone if they will be at practice tomorrow. That of course reminds me that some people are getting pulled up to Varsity. I assume its the people that were at practice the other day. Which I was. But I had also never heard anything official about it. I ask someone else. They say they got an email about it. They probably couldn't tell but that was like a bullet right through the heart, but not killing. Then getting shot again and again. I'd been trying not to get my hopes up all week. Trying to tell myself they already had two goalies. But I'm not sure anyone understands how much I wanted to get pulled up. I even had a dream the other night that the back up goalie broke her leg. I was so happy in my dream. Of course I would feel so bad for her in real life and feel really bad taking her spot. At least I think. Nobody understands how much I wanted this. it would have made my life. So much. That is what put me over the edge. And I have to love Namita for looking at me and just knowing something was up. She really did. She came over and game me a hug, and it made me start crying, but it was exactly what I needed. Exactly. That and she told me how good I was in goal. Made me laugh. Made it not so bad, even though she thought I was crying at the game, which was probably a lot of it, but it was also life.

“The only service a friend can really render is to keep your courage by holding up to you a mirror in which you can see a noble image of yourself” -George Bernard Shaw

Basically what Namita did that for me. Let me look at me from the outside. See I don't need to be as good as K-Mart yet. I might not totally believe it, but for the moment it did. And actually I'm not sure she will ever know how much what she did meant to me. It did me so much good.

I wish more people would do that. Its horrible of me, but I hide my feelings and still expect people to find a way to see through me and help me out. I think I do it so I can see who really knows me and cares, even though I know there are plenty of people who care for me but can't always see through my disguise.

“Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over.” - Gloria Naylor

Back to closure. Something needs to happen. I can't just let the season go like this. It will bug me.

Also. While we were warming up the softball field was blasting Party in the U.S.A. I could barely hear it, but it brought back memories of field hockey. I miss that too. Can't wait till the fall for that. Of course I really want to be on varsity for that too. We will see how this works out.

Please don't shot me. Just give me love and attention and I will be forever grateful.

“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”

Doesn't know what to think, or say or do...

...or basically anything. Lets just say I'm a little bit of a wreck right now. Not a wreck like breaking down and crying, just I don't know. Unstable? Unsure? Neither of those it quite right, but the word doesn't matter.


Soccer and Drama (theatre) and School and Friends and Family. All sending me in to a turmoil. Last game of our season tonight. We lost. I'm pissed. I'm sad. I actually almost started crying. We didn't play well, but I love my team. Then sometimes I hate them. I love it when I make a great save. Then hate myself when I don't do as well as K-Mart. I love playing goal, but hate not playing in the field. See why this could cause problems? I love it when Julia is so excited about the Varsity games, but hate that I don't know them as well as her and that I'm was in a sort of bad mood and she's making me happy(as being around happy people will do). But also love her making me feel better. I'm pissed off at myself for not being good enough to be pulled up to Varsity, but happy that I will be able to spend my time on the musicals next week. And there is next year. I don't even want to think about that now. Ew. No.

Next rant...

Drama. So i get an email saying I should be trained in lights too. What is this? I'm happy. I think. But why? There has got to be some reason behind it. Good or bad I'm not sure. But it worries me. It might not usually but with so much other stuff going on it does. Plus next year I'm not sure what is gonna be happening. I have yet to figure out really how me and the other tech get along. Sure we get along, but there is all this other stuff you have to figure out about each other if you know what I mean. Next week is musicals though. I guess I'm happy. I'm sure it will be fun. But once again I can't help but wish I was playing with Varsity.

School is well....schoolish. Some days I love it. Some days I hate it so much. That one is easy. And friends. I love them. A lot of them are on a crew trip. There are a lot of people I wish I was better friends with. And family. Well. Thats probably pretty normal. You may hate them sometimes you think. But really you love them all to death and would do anything for them. Some times work too hard to please them and fail to please your self.

Oh yeah. And my horse! Or not mine. But Lolli. The horse I ride. It's sad because I don't want to grow super close to her because I know they are attempting to sell her. But I don't enjoy it has much if I'm trying to do that. I haven't gotten to ride much, but hopefully I will tomorrow which is good. But I can ride because I don't have soccer. Which is bad.

Its all just tangled up in a big knot. To get to one of the good things, you have to struggle first with one of the bad. The problem is half the time I think I would wait and not make any move unless someone helped me start unwinding the string. I know I need to unwind it myself. But I still like people to help me.

"Do what you want to do and do it for no other reason."
-Anna

P.S. Sorry my blogs aren't creative and beautifully written recently. I promise I will try to get back to that. I've just really needed a place to rant. And this helps me think. Because usually my thoughts go a million miles an hour, but I can't type that fast, so when I write it I have to slow down and think about my options.

“When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best friend will be there”

Should have been a tie

Soccer game tonight. Pretty good game considering we played the number one team in our district. I got a nice bruise from it. Right on my hip and I didn't save the goal either, but it was worth it. I almost have it. Overall I think I played pretty well though. There were no really hard shots, but what I did get I did pretty well with. Even had a couple where I had to run out and dive at the ball causing the other team to have to jump over me. That made me happy.

I stayed and watched the varsity game (of course!) and was ball girl. I enjoyed it. Hearing what was going on by the bench and on the field. Is it bad that it also makes me very happy when I see K-Mart do something that I had done in goal recently? I don't know. It just makes me feel good because that means I must have been doing something right. I wish I was as good as her. She is a freakin' amazing goalie. She's just so good. Julia's song basically sums it up "Wind beneath my wings" with focus on
"It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
but I've got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.
I would be nothing without you.

Did you ever know that you're my hero?
You're everything I wish I could be."

So I had to go find my own. I personally liked these few lines from "My hero is you"
"I believe there ain't nothing you can't do
My hero is you, yeah
My hero is you
  And I hope that you can see
You're everything that I wanna be"

The whole song may not fit as well, but those lines fit so perfectly. Enough of my ranting about how good K-Mart is...

The JV and Varsity game both followed the same pattern in the game. Goal in the far corner in the first 10 minutes. Holding there own for the first 15 or 20 and then letting down and the ball in the defensive end for about 20 minutes and then picking it up again at the end of the half. Second half pretty even between both teams. Then in the last 3 minutes pressing really hard and pretty much keeping it in the offensive penalty box. Both games should have been a tie.

My team was playing really well during the parts of the game where they were on. It made me so proud. We have come such a long way since the start of the season. Just one more game and hopefully we can pull out a win. And varsity will go on to districts and hopefully do well as they seem to be peaking at the right time.

Time to do homework. Gonna have some other late nights this week too.

Pain Tolerance

People often think I have a high pain tolerance. I don't correct them because it would take too long and they still would not understand, but for the record. I have a pretty high pain tolerance, but not super high. I just will do anything I can to hide it from you. I don't show pain if I can help it. Don't worry if you are confused. It confuses me sometimes too.

What can you do when...

...you don't know what you want. I know it shouldn't be a problem, yet half the time it's so true. I want to really do something, but want to make everyone else happy at the same time. It just doesn't work. You want both, or neither. It is really the most horrible thing, yet at least for me it is unavoidable it would seem. Like right now, how am I am I happy one moment, and literally drowning in madness two minutes later. I don't understand. Example. Tonight at senior night game. Dad is ready to leave. I don't want to. But I also don't want to make him hang around. What do I do? I leave. Get in the car and then say I want to go back. We drive out of the parking lot and then turn around to come back. We get back and I decide I don't want to. It would be so awkward to just walk in again when everyone else is leaving, yet I am dying to talk to some of the varsity players. UGH! I want to be on varsity so bad too. And i'm not sure whats gonna happen next year, which makes me nervous. Very nervous. Lots of training this summer, although I wish I could work with KMart more, because I swear she is a freakin' genius. She's just so good. Like undefinably good. If I could be half as good as her I would be really good and really happy. I want to be on varsity so bad. UGH! I don't think anyone understands how much. Which sort of leaves me to the next answer of above title...

...your trying to pull a whole team up by yourself. Game tonight. So first half I made one of the stupider of stupid mistakes (Okay, so everyone else says it wasn't really my fault, but really. I should have gotten the ball. It was totally my fault, so you can take what you want out of that. It was a cross from the 18 and I was just stuck in no mans land) and let a goal in with about 20 minutes left in the first half. We were pretty even the rest of the half. Should have had at least one goal. Then the second half came. I don't know what happened, but the team played like shit. They played like we were up three nothing and could afford to let a goal in. It bugged me so much. I tried yelling at the team. I tried yelling at individual people. I tried telling. I tried everything, but we could not pick it up. It was basically in our half of the field the whole second half. They didn't deserve to win. They still didn't get any amazing shots off (Although 2 pretty good saves. One when a girl was turned around and the ball was about to bounce right in front of her and I just reached over her head and punched it away. Another off a corner where it was just flying in and I jumped up and grabbed it in the middle of everyone.) But we really didn't deserve to win either. I just didn't know what to do. I really wanted to just be out on the field so I could try to bring some energy to the team. Humpf. I just don't know what to do.


If you read all of this, cheers to you.

Death day

School was....UGH!! Math test, which I might have done okay on, but I always think I do well, and then don't. I promise, i may look like I'm bad at math by my grade, but I really like it. THen bio quarter exam. Ew. Ew. Ew. I probably only knew 10/100 question for sure. But thats the same with everyone. It also ends up being who is good at guessing that gets the best grade. The sad thing is I love bio too, but I also need a good teacher...Humpf. Good teachers. I miss my old teachers. Mrs. Porterfield and Ms. Lambert to name a few. Such amazing times with my mind reading. Some how I also felt safe there. More free. More likely to let my guard down. Now, well, there are some people I can let my guard down around, but until you see me outside of school you probably don't really know me. I need people to know me too. Need people to come up to me and ask me if I'm okay and know that when I say "I guess I'm okay" it really means. "Ask me again. I want to tell you, but I'm scared". There used to be many people who understood me enough to do that. Now though I feel like there are only a few, and often those few are too busy to stop and notice. That bugs me. And then puts me in a worse mood. The thing is I also need this more then ever right now. Now when I often feel confused, lost, uncertain. But I realize they have there own stuff they need to do.

Dear Self

Dear self,
I often wonder why you do things. Why were you in such a solitary mood this afternoon? Why didn't you do that even though you were wishing for it? Why do you try to be just like the people you look up to? Why don't you work harder? Why don't you talk to people when inside you are dying to? Why?

Question I ask myself almost everyday, yet I can never find the answer.

Weekend and observance

She sits with the group, just like she belongs. Perfectly normal. But upon closer examination, even from afar you can tell she isn’t really.

It may be hard to tell at first if she isn’t part of the group because of her choice, or not, but the eyes give it away. They stay steady straight ahead, following the people that walk by. They wander over to the group across the hallway, and a slight smile spreads across her face as a joke is made. Made in that other group. The little signs give it away that she wishes she was there, across the hall.

Her friends talk on, assuming she is the quiet one like always. What they don’t realize is that she isn’t really quiet, she just likes to listen, but give her the chance to talk, especially about something she enjoys and she could go on for hours.

She rejoins the conversation for a bit, but again her gaze drifts away. This time not following people, but lost with in her self. Clearly pondering deeper thoughts then are currently being discussed in the circle. A smile shows on her face as someone makes a joke in the group, but it isn’t a true smile, nor as big as the other members.


I don’t know why I wrote this. I don’t really feel this way. Sure maybe somedays, but not usually. Not today I don’t think. Just something to ponder. It’s amazing how much you can learn about someone from there body language.

This past weekend was fun. LOCK-IN! I pulled off not sleeping for 24 hours. And I must say that talent show was so-proooo!! Made it especially good after we spent a good three hours getting everything to work and it turned out great! ;P

Managed to injury myself again ☺ Don’t even know how this time. I just couldn’t bend my right wrist down all weekend though and it was a little sore. Much better today, I’ve been stretching it, but the trainers don’t have a clue, so they just wrapped it for me for practice Monday.

Hopefully the rest of the week will be good ☺

I'm going....

...to see the trainer. Yes. My team finally convince me to go after tomorrows game and I promised I would if my foot started to hurt at all. Is it a bad thing that I'm scared of almost nothing, yet having to see someone about my ankle which hurts me (only sometimes) scares me half to death. I don't even know why. I've rationalized it in my head that I just don't want to have to sit out, but is that really it? I know my team can win without me. There has to be another reason. I've thought maybe it's because I want to seem tough like I can survive the pain. But some how that doesn't seem right either. There is just something, maybe a combination of a bunch of things, that makes me avoid doing it at all costs.

I promised I would go though if it hurt, so I guess I'll either have to be super careful tomorrow, or face it up and see what I can do for this ankle. If they say I can't play though then I just might have to kill someone, esp because I have two club games this weekend, and they can't stop me from playing in those, but my parents can. ugh. I just wish it would feel better.

Story time

So... Once upon a time, well actually today, but anyways...I was in bio class and I had dressed up for a presentation. This involved wearing flats which hurt my ankle, but it also involved wearing a skirt. A very fun skirt that made me want to dance. I also had an amazing dancing song stuck in my head, Footloose. So I had my own mini dance party in bio, even leaving my skirt of after class so that I could have my own little dance party to cheer me up when ever I wanted during tech. It made me happy. Then end :)

Silly Ankle

So yes. My ankle is swollen and sore again. But yet again I refuse to go to the trainers. It's been sore/swollen on and off for almost 2 weeks now. Just not sore enough to go be told I can't play for 3 weeks by the trainers. It only hurts when I punt or kick the soccer ball badly and don't lock my ankle. It just doesn't seem worth it to me. Although I have also considered the fact that I'm just being stupid.

But until I get a better reason to see the trainer or we don't have a game with in a few days, I think ice will solve my problem just fine :)

Great Weekend, Until now.

What a wonderful weekend. I got to ride. I got to drive. I got work the show. I got to go to cast party. Lolli was a wonderful relief from the long week. Driving was so much fun. The highlight of my day was definitely Drama though.

Circle. What an amazing thing. The peace of it. Holding hands with a lot of people you love. Listening to a nice closing to the show. Listening to the seniors talk of there experience. Just soaking it in. Feeling like you belong. I wish it was a weekly thing. I'm gonna miss a lot of our seniors though. I don't what booth is gonna be like next year without Anna and her positiveness and Andrea with her harsh exterior, but still so sweet. Then there are the actors. Nicole, who is just amazing, and Kevin, who is a great actor and funny guy. Caralyn, and Cara, and Seth, and everyone else.

The weirdest thing is thinking about what my senior circle is like. It feels like it should be all the people who were there, but really hardly anyone who was there today will be there then. Most of them will be the 6th, 7th and 8th graders currently. And senior superlatives, we don't know who will be writing those either.

Cast party was amazing, although I didn't stay for the whole time. I have to thank Anna, for giving me a ride and for convincing my parents to let me go by just standing there and looking responsible. The funny thing is that when I'm at a party people always say I look like I'm not having fun, but really I'm having the time of my life.

I guess it was a lot of firsts yesterday. First time driving. First Cappies show. First Cast party. First time going through a drunk driver checkpoint. First... I guess it all happens Once In A Lifetime.