Scared of Trying Again

So I tried out for, thought I had a good chance of making it, and didn't make it on the swing team at school last week. Now there is still club(which a lot of team members also go to). And yes, he goes. But some how I'm finding it hard to go again this week. It's like I've been there and they've seen me try for the team and not make it. And I guess in my mind that means I fail, and I don't like it when people know I fail, hence I really don't want to go back even though I enjoy it, and I enjoy the people. Failing to me is almost physically painful, like getting stabbed through the heart, but I just normally don't let people see it, acting nonchalant about it. As I'm writing this I'm seeing how silly I'm being, but really, I hate it when people see me fail. So we will see. Maybe I will go. Maybe I won't go. The problem is I also don't want to be seen as a quitter who tried out didn't make it and then just left. Sort of contradictory huh? I'm thinking maybe just skip one week and then go. But then it would seem like I'm quitting. So maybe go this week and then decide after that. I'm not sure. Just a little scared.

So i'm teching my first event, all by myself on Friday. AHH! I hope i don't die. I'm actually like really stressing out about it. Suddenly learning how much I really don't know. Sure, I know all the technical stuff, but not the stuff before hand, like who people need to talk to to get the piano. And what if I forgot how to operate everything over the summer. Please don't kill me. Please don't kill me. I wish Anna was back/I could ask questions. Ugh. I really don't want to screw up. I hate being wrong more then I hate losing. Speaking of which we won our Field Hockey game last night 2-0. I even got to play the whole game. It's gonna be a good season... As long as I don't die on Friday. I think all the seniors should just not leave.

I wrote this at the end of school (spring chorus show, oh my) , so it's a couple months old, and really rough right now. Linebreaks need a lot of work, but the poem overall means a lot to me. But there are several lines that I can't seem to get right no matter what, but also a couple I absolutely love.

The breeze drifts
in the early summer air.
Stars poke out
as the clouds move in.
I lean back on the bench
and across the street
the lightning bugs dance
their first dance of summer.
I watch,
wishing I could join in.
I let a tear fall.
I am the last one
left at school.
But then,
suddenly,
I am laughing too,
laughing at myself,
the world,
and out of pure exhaustion.
I pause,
and feel the first raindrop.
And then I am up.
Running across the grass.
Singing, laughing, crying,
but all at once.
No one is around to hear
except for the night air.
And for once, I am glad.
I am free.

The grass tickles my feet,
but it only causes me
to jump higher.
I stop thinking
for a minute,
lost in myself.
I collapse in the grass.
Laughing and crying,
again.
Tears race down my face.
Not tears of happiness,
yet I still laugh.
I stare at the clouds
and the raindrops
mix with my tears.

No One Understand Just How Much I Want It

I've got a lot of ranting to do. And i understand no one cares probably, but it keeps me sane. Sorry.

Closure. I need closure. The soccer season is not closed. It's just not. We haven't had any real practices this week. Monday was a game and Tuesday was inside with varsity and yesterday it was only for 45 minutes because of rain. Today we lost. I can't stand it. After wards the coaches were talking about the season a little bit, for like 2 minutes, but I was too worked up to listen. I had wanted to win. Bad. Really bad. Now its just over. Over. Nothing more. It all stops. Stops suddenly like a horse refuses a jump. And that same deadly feeling enters my stomach. Coach Luis, the one I really respect and who actually knows what he is doing all he says is to make sure we turn in equipment. What is up with that?! Tell us something. Tell us how badly we played today. Tell us anything, but not that. I don't want to. Then when we are leaving he asks someone if they will be at practice tomorrow. That of course reminds me that some people are getting pulled up to Varsity. I assume its the people that were at practice the other day. Which I was. But I had also never heard anything official about it. I ask someone else. They say they got an email about it. They probably couldn't tell but that was like a bullet right through the heart, but not killing. Then getting shot again and again. I'd been trying not to get my hopes up all week. Trying to tell myself they already had two goalies. But I'm not sure anyone understands how much I wanted to get pulled up. I even had a dream the other night that the back up goalie broke her leg. I was so happy in my dream. Of course I would feel so bad for her in real life and feel really bad taking her spot. At least I think. Nobody understands how much I wanted this. it would have made my life. So much. That is what put me over the edge. And I have to love Namita for looking at me and just knowing something was up. She really did. She came over and game me a hug, and it made me start crying, but it was exactly what I needed. Exactly. That and she told me how good I was in goal. Made me laugh. Made it not so bad, even though she thought I was crying at the game, which was probably a lot of it, but it was also life.

“The only service a friend can really render is to keep your courage by holding up to you a mirror in which you can see a noble image of yourself” -George Bernard Shaw

Basically what Namita did that for me. Let me look at me from the outside. See I don't need to be as good as K-Mart yet. I might not totally believe it, but for the moment it did. And actually I'm not sure she will ever know how much what she did meant to me. It did me so much good.

I wish more people would do that. Its horrible of me, but I hide my feelings and still expect people to find a way to see through me and help me out. I think I do it so I can see who really knows me and cares, even though I know there are plenty of people who care for me but can't always see through my disguise.

“Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over.” - Gloria Naylor

Back to closure. Something needs to happen. I can't just let the season go like this. It will bug me.

Also. While we were warming up the softball field was blasting Party in the U.S.A. I could barely hear it, but it brought back memories of field hockey. I miss that too. Can't wait till the fall for that. Of course I really want to be on varsity for that too. We will see how this works out.

Please don't shot me. Just give me love and attention and I will be forever grateful.

“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”

Doesn't know what to think, or say or do...

...or basically anything. Lets just say I'm a little bit of a wreck right now. Not a wreck like breaking down and crying, just I don't know. Unstable? Unsure? Neither of those it quite right, but the word doesn't matter.


Soccer and Drama (theatre) and School and Friends and Family. All sending me in to a turmoil. Last game of our season tonight. We lost. I'm pissed. I'm sad. I actually almost started crying. We didn't play well, but I love my team. Then sometimes I hate them. I love it when I make a great save. Then hate myself when I don't do as well as K-Mart. I love playing goal, but hate not playing in the field. See why this could cause problems? I love it when Julia is so excited about the Varsity games, but hate that I don't know them as well as her and that I'm was in a sort of bad mood and she's making me happy(as being around happy people will do). But also love her making me feel better. I'm pissed off at myself for not being good enough to be pulled up to Varsity, but happy that I will be able to spend my time on the musicals next week. And there is next year. I don't even want to think about that now. Ew. No.

Next rant...

Drama. So i get an email saying I should be trained in lights too. What is this? I'm happy. I think. But why? There has got to be some reason behind it. Good or bad I'm not sure. But it worries me. It might not usually but with so much other stuff going on it does. Plus next year I'm not sure what is gonna be happening. I have yet to figure out really how me and the other tech get along. Sure we get along, but there is all this other stuff you have to figure out about each other if you know what I mean. Next week is musicals though. I guess I'm happy. I'm sure it will be fun. But once again I can't help but wish I was playing with Varsity.

School is well....schoolish. Some days I love it. Some days I hate it so much. That one is easy. And friends. I love them. A lot of them are on a crew trip. There are a lot of people I wish I was better friends with. And family. Well. Thats probably pretty normal. You may hate them sometimes you think. But really you love them all to death and would do anything for them. Some times work too hard to please them and fail to please your self.

Oh yeah. And my horse! Or not mine. But Lolli. The horse I ride. It's sad because I don't want to grow super close to her because I know they are attempting to sell her. But I don't enjoy it has much if I'm trying to do that. I haven't gotten to ride much, but hopefully I will tomorrow which is good. But I can ride because I don't have soccer. Which is bad.

Its all just tangled up in a big knot. To get to one of the good things, you have to struggle first with one of the bad. The problem is half the time I think I would wait and not make any move unless someone helped me start unwinding the string. I know I need to unwind it myself. But I still like people to help me.

"Do what you want to do and do it for no other reason."
-Anna

P.S. Sorry my blogs aren't creative and beautifully written recently. I promise I will try to get back to that. I've just really needed a place to rant. And this helps me think. Because usually my thoughts go a million miles an hour, but I can't type that fast, so when I write it I have to slow down and think about my options.

“When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best friend will be there”

What can you do when...

...you don't know what you want. I know it shouldn't be a problem, yet half the time it's so true. I want to really do something, but want to make everyone else happy at the same time. It just doesn't work. You want both, or neither. It is really the most horrible thing, yet at least for me it is unavoidable it would seem. Like right now, how am I am I happy one moment, and literally drowning in madness two minutes later. I don't understand. Example. Tonight at senior night game. Dad is ready to leave. I don't want to. But I also don't want to make him hang around. What do I do? I leave. Get in the car and then say I want to go back. We drive out of the parking lot and then turn around to come back. We get back and I decide I don't want to. It would be so awkward to just walk in again when everyone else is leaving, yet I am dying to talk to some of the varsity players. UGH! I want to be on varsity so bad too. And i'm not sure whats gonna happen next year, which makes me nervous. Very nervous. Lots of training this summer, although I wish I could work with KMart more, because I swear she is a freakin' genius. She's just so good. Like undefinably good. If I could be half as good as her I would be really good and really happy. I want to be on varsity so bad. UGH! I don't think anyone understands how much. Which sort of leaves me to the next answer of above title...

...your trying to pull a whole team up by yourself. Game tonight. So first half I made one of the stupider of stupid mistakes (Okay, so everyone else says it wasn't really my fault, but really. I should have gotten the ball. It was totally my fault, so you can take what you want out of that. It was a cross from the 18 and I was just stuck in no mans land) and let a goal in with about 20 minutes left in the first half. We were pretty even the rest of the half. Should have had at least one goal. Then the second half came. I don't know what happened, but the team played like shit. They played like we were up three nothing and could afford to let a goal in. It bugged me so much. I tried yelling at the team. I tried yelling at individual people. I tried telling. I tried everything, but we could not pick it up. It was basically in our half of the field the whole second half. They didn't deserve to win. They still didn't get any amazing shots off (Although 2 pretty good saves. One when a girl was turned around and the ball was about to bounce right in front of her and I just reached over her head and punched it away. Another off a corner where it was just flying in and I jumped up and grabbed it in the middle of everyone.) But we really didn't deserve to win either. I just didn't know what to do. I really wanted to just be out on the field so I could try to bring some energy to the team. Humpf. I just don't know what to do.


If you read all of this, cheers to you.