What a day...

So there's this boy...I'm not gonna write about that right now, but there is...

It was a good Friday, even though I had a test in every class. I think I did decent, AKA not bad, but not good enough. Some how though, I didn't care. I would rather have fun then study for the extra 2 hours so I can get an A. Some how a B + 2 more hours free time seems good enough. I mean, if I was to die tomorrow, I don't want to have studied that extra two hours and then not take the test. I'm not saying I don't enjoy school and I don't like learning. I LOVE LEARNING! I just don't like tests. I'm working on it though. I know I need to get better grades this quarter and I will. The first quarter for me is always the worst. I just have to learn how hard I really have to work for an A. Well, except for French. French I am just bad at. I've been trying my hardest and working my butt off at it since day 1, and it is still my lowest grade, and it is a bad grade too. I just can't do it. It's the same grade from last year. UGH. I really do try!!

But it was still a good day. 8th period was pretty amazing. Especially b-block....

Have I mentioned that I love my pony. She was so good today. We did all sorts of flat work with poles. Canter poles, trot poles (3), trot poles with standards (2), raised trot poles. She just took it all in stride (haha get it. In stride. okay, its over. sorry 'bout that. I've eaten too much candy.) Aww but so sweet. And we were practicing our sitting trot and she was like umm...what are you doing? And you could just tell she was thinking about it and then she figure it out and relaxed with it!! What a smart girl. I also figured something out. Her biggest problem with the sitting trot is my hands tend to move a lot, which she hates. So I've found that if I raise my hands a little higher and focus on carrying them more, they stay stiller and Lolli goes better. She is so cute. I love her. Don't know what I would do with out her.

Good day

What amazing friends I have. I could never ask for anything better. They all made my day today whether they know it or not. I love them all. So many presents and baked goods. But really it was the smiles and cards that went along with it that made my day. All the cards are now tacked on my wall so the next time I need to know someone cares for me they are there for me to see.

I also love my FH team. Everyone on the team is extremely nice. Playing the team we played tonight (who we beat to go undefeated in the district! Whoot!) made me realize how special and tight are team really is. They were yelling and cursing at each other, and just playing really poorly and getting angry at everyone, including us and their teammate when we would do nothing wrong. Our team is so much better then that. And I think I realized just how special we are. And I think this that someone said pretty much sums it up

"This is a special group of girls. You couldn't ask for anything better."

Other happenings in the game include getting hit hard in the hand about 30 seconds after I went in. It immediately started swelling up and I had a little cut. After the game I was showing it to the team and Coach H comes over and shows Coach D, they send me over to the trainer to get ice. Everyone was so worried, especially P. She sends me back with out a band-aide (it was bleeding pretty bad). On the way back everyone on the team starts singing to me. When Coach H sees I don't have a band-aide she marches on over to get me a band-aide and comes back and helps me put it on. Meanwhile, Coach D is telling me to make sure I ice it real well. I love my team. And it's good to know they care if I get injured.

My parents and brother all went to the game too. Thanks for coming guys, I really appreciate it even if I don't fully show it.

Thanks to my friends(teammates included) and family for letting me have a very special day.

So i'm teching my first event, all by myself on Friday. AHH! I hope i don't die. I'm actually like really stressing out about it. Suddenly learning how much I really don't know. Sure, I know all the technical stuff, but not the stuff before hand, like who people need to talk to to get the piano. And what if I forgot how to operate everything over the summer. Please don't kill me. Please don't kill me. I wish Anna was back/I could ask questions. Ugh. I really don't want to screw up. I hate being wrong more then I hate losing. Speaking of which we won our Field Hockey game last night 2-0. I even got to play the whole game. It's gonna be a good season... As long as I don't die on Friday. I think all the seniors should just not leave.

New Seniors?

What happens when someone moves on. They leave or move away. They've taught you a lot. Shown you around. Started letting you see who you really are and giving you an example to live up to. But then they leave. Graduate. It's not your fault, but neither is it theirs. Thats just the way things work.

I don't want new freshman at school this year. I don't want to be a sophomore. The seniors all need to come back. I haven't learned everything I need to from them. These are the people that all year I watched walk among the hallways like they own them. The one's who were always calm cool and collect (except when they found out about colleges). Sure, there will be new seniors this year, but what will they know? They are always juniors in my mind. The class of 2010 had people in it that I respected above all else, and always will. Nothing can change that. I didn't get to learn everything I should have or could have or will from them, but I wish them all well in college or whatever else they may be doing, even if they are leaving me with out completing my lessons from them.

Oh my...

It's been a rough day. I've been in sort of a bad mood, and probably have been sort of trying to stay there which is bad. This morning I was doing everything I could to not look at the few JV players still coming in with there bag. I just couldn't look. I was afraid I would just totally not be able to stand it. Then several times today I've had people come up to me and say what a great save I made yesterday, some even imitating it. (it was a one handed save from a one on one about 7 yards out.) this includes people who were there and saw it and multiple people who have heard about it. Wow. Very surprising. The toughest moment of the day though was definitely when I was working with someone (who got moved up) and someone came over and said "i heard both of you got moved up to varsity. Congratulations." It pained me so much to say, "well, no, I didn't get moved up, but she did." Such a horrible feeling. But I said it.

Doesn't know what to think, or say or do...

...or basically anything. Lets just say I'm a little bit of a wreck right now. Not a wreck like breaking down and crying, just I don't know. Unstable? Unsure? Neither of those it quite right, but the word doesn't matter.


Soccer and Drama (theatre) and School and Friends and Family. All sending me in to a turmoil. Last game of our season tonight. We lost. I'm pissed. I'm sad. I actually almost started crying. We didn't play well, but I love my team. Then sometimes I hate them. I love it when I make a great save. Then hate myself when I don't do as well as K-Mart. I love playing goal, but hate not playing in the field. See why this could cause problems? I love it when Julia is so excited about the Varsity games, but hate that I don't know them as well as her and that I'm was in a sort of bad mood and she's making me happy(as being around happy people will do). But also love her making me feel better. I'm pissed off at myself for not being good enough to be pulled up to Varsity, but happy that I will be able to spend my time on the musicals next week. And there is next year. I don't even want to think about that now. Ew. No.

Next rant...

Drama. So i get an email saying I should be trained in lights too. What is this? I'm happy. I think. But why? There has got to be some reason behind it. Good or bad I'm not sure. But it worries me. It might not usually but with so much other stuff going on it does. Plus next year I'm not sure what is gonna be happening. I have yet to figure out really how me and the other tech get along. Sure we get along, but there is all this other stuff you have to figure out about each other if you know what I mean. Next week is musicals though. I guess I'm happy. I'm sure it will be fun. But once again I can't help but wish I was playing with Varsity.

School is well....schoolish. Some days I love it. Some days I hate it so much. That one is easy. And friends. I love them. A lot of them are on a crew trip. There are a lot of people I wish I was better friends with. And family. Well. Thats probably pretty normal. You may hate them sometimes you think. But really you love them all to death and would do anything for them. Some times work too hard to please them and fail to please your self.

Oh yeah. And my horse! Or not mine. But Lolli. The horse I ride. It's sad because I don't want to grow super close to her because I know they are attempting to sell her. But I don't enjoy it has much if I'm trying to do that. I haven't gotten to ride much, but hopefully I will tomorrow which is good. But I can ride because I don't have soccer. Which is bad.

Its all just tangled up in a big knot. To get to one of the good things, you have to struggle first with one of the bad. The problem is half the time I think I would wait and not make any move unless someone helped me start unwinding the string. I know I need to unwind it myself. But I still like people to help me.

"Do what you want to do and do it for no other reason."
-Anna

P.S. Sorry my blogs aren't creative and beautifully written recently. I promise I will try to get back to that. I've just really needed a place to rant. And this helps me think. Because usually my thoughts go a million miles an hour, but I can't type that fast, so when I write it I have to slow down and think about my options.

“When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best friend will be there”

Should have been a tie

Soccer game tonight. Pretty good game considering we played the number one team in our district. I got a nice bruise from it. Right on my hip and I didn't save the goal either, but it was worth it. I almost have it. Overall I think I played pretty well though. There were no really hard shots, but what I did get I did pretty well with. Even had a couple where I had to run out and dive at the ball causing the other team to have to jump over me. That made me happy.

I stayed and watched the varsity game (of course!) and was ball girl. I enjoyed it. Hearing what was going on by the bench and on the field. Is it bad that it also makes me very happy when I see K-Mart do something that I had done in goal recently? I don't know. It just makes me feel good because that means I must have been doing something right. I wish I was as good as her. She is a freakin' amazing goalie. She's just so good. Julia's song basically sums it up "Wind beneath my wings" with focus on
"It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
but I've got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.
I would be nothing without you.

Did you ever know that you're my hero?
You're everything I wish I could be."

So I had to go find my own. I personally liked these few lines from "My hero is you"
"I believe there ain't nothing you can't do
My hero is you, yeah
My hero is you
  And I hope that you can see
You're everything that I wanna be"

The whole song may not fit as well, but those lines fit so perfectly. Enough of my ranting about how good K-Mart is...

The JV and Varsity game both followed the same pattern in the game. Goal in the far corner in the first 10 minutes. Holding there own for the first 15 or 20 and then letting down and the ball in the defensive end for about 20 minutes and then picking it up again at the end of the half. Second half pretty even between both teams. Then in the last 3 minutes pressing really hard and pretty much keeping it in the offensive penalty box. Both games should have been a tie.

My team was playing really well during the parts of the game where they were on. It made me so proud. We have come such a long way since the start of the season. Just one more game and hopefully we can pull out a win. And varsity will go on to districts and hopefully do well as they seem to be peaking at the right time.

Time to do homework. Gonna have some other late nights this week too.

What can you do when...

...you don't know what you want. I know it shouldn't be a problem, yet half the time it's so true. I want to really do something, but want to make everyone else happy at the same time. It just doesn't work. You want both, or neither. It is really the most horrible thing, yet at least for me it is unavoidable it would seem. Like right now, how am I am I happy one moment, and literally drowning in madness two minutes later. I don't understand. Example. Tonight at senior night game. Dad is ready to leave. I don't want to. But I also don't want to make him hang around. What do I do? I leave. Get in the car and then say I want to go back. We drive out of the parking lot and then turn around to come back. We get back and I decide I don't want to. It would be so awkward to just walk in again when everyone else is leaving, yet I am dying to talk to some of the varsity players. UGH! I want to be on varsity so bad too. And i'm not sure whats gonna happen next year, which makes me nervous. Very nervous. Lots of training this summer, although I wish I could work with KMart more, because I swear she is a freakin' genius. She's just so good. Like undefinably good. If I could be half as good as her I would be really good and really happy. I want to be on varsity so bad. UGH! I don't think anyone understands how much. Which sort of leaves me to the next answer of above title...

...your trying to pull a whole team up by yourself. Game tonight. So first half I made one of the stupider of stupid mistakes (Okay, so everyone else says it wasn't really my fault, but really. I should have gotten the ball. It was totally my fault, so you can take what you want out of that. It was a cross from the 18 and I was just stuck in no mans land) and let a goal in with about 20 minutes left in the first half. We were pretty even the rest of the half. Should have had at least one goal. Then the second half came. I don't know what happened, but the team played like shit. They played like we were up three nothing and could afford to let a goal in. It bugged me so much. I tried yelling at the team. I tried yelling at individual people. I tried telling. I tried everything, but we could not pick it up. It was basically in our half of the field the whole second half. They didn't deserve to win. They still didn't get any amazing shots off (Although 2 pretty good saves. One when a girl was turned around and the ball was about to bounce right in front of her and I just reached over her head and punched it away. Another off a corner where it was just flying in and I jumped up and grabbed it in the middle of everyone.) But we really didn't deserve to win either. I just didn't know what to do. I really wanted to just be out on the field so I could try to bring some energy to the team. Humpf. I just don't know what to do.


If you read all of this, cheers to you.

Death day

School was....UGH!! Math test, which I might have done okay on, but I always think I do well, and then don't. I promise, i may look like I'm bad at math by my grade, but I really like it. THen bio quarter exam. Ew. Ew. Ew. I probably only knew 10/100 question for sure. But thats the same with everyone. It also ends up being who is good at guessing that gets the best grade. The sad thing is I love bio too, but I also need a good teacher...Humpf. Good teachers. I miss my old teachers. Mrs. Porterfield and Ms. Lambert to name a few. Such amazing times with my mind reading. Some how I also felt safe there. More free. More likely to let my guard down. Now, well, there are some people I can let my guard down around, but until you see me outside of school you probably don't really know me. I need people to know me too. Need people to come up to me and ask me if I'm okay and know that when I say "I guess I'm okay" it really means. "Ask me again. I want to tell you, but I'm scared". There used to be many people who understood me enough to do that. Now though I feel like there are only a few, and often those few are too busy to stop and notice. That bugs me. And then puts me in a worse mood. The thing is I also need this more then ever right now. Now when I often feel confused, lost, uncertain. But I realize they have there own stuff they need to do.

Weekend and observance

She sits with the group, just like she belongs. Perfectly normal. But upon closer examination, even from afar you can tell she isn’t really.

It may be hard to tell at first if she isn’t part of the group because of her choice, or not, but the eyes give it away. They stay steady straight ahead, following the people that walk by. They wander over to the group across the hallway, and a slight smile spreads across her face as a joke is made. Made in that other group. The little signs give it away that she wishes she was there, across the hall.

Her friends talk on, assuming she is the quiet one like always. What they don’t realize is that she isn’t really quiet, she just likes to listen, but give her the chance to talk, especially about something she enjoys and she could go on for hours.

She rejoins the conversation for a bit, but again her gaze drifts away. This time not following people, but lost with in her self. Clearly pondering deeper thoughts then are currently being discussed in the circle. A smile shows on her face as someone makes a joke in the group, but it isn’t a true smile, nor as big as the other members.


I don’t know why I wrote this. I don’t really feel this way. Sure maybe somedays, but not usually. Not today I don’t think. Just something to ponder. It’s amazing how much you can learn about someone from there body language.

This past weekend was fun. LOCK-IN! I pulled off not sleeping for 24 hours. And I must say that talent show was so-proooo!! Made it especially good after we spent a good three hours getting everything to work and it turned out great! ;P

Managed to injury myself again ☺ Don’t even know how this time. I just couldn’t bend my right wrist down all weekend though and it was a little sore. Much better today, I’ve been stretching it, but the trainers don’t have a clue, so they just wrapped it for me for practice Monday.

Hopefully the rest of the week will be good ☺

I'm going....

...to see the trainer. Yes. My team finally convince me to go after tomorrows game and I promised I would if my foot started to hurt at all. Is it a bad thing that I'm scared of almost nothing, yet having to see someone about my ankle which hurts me (only sometimes) scares me half to death. I don't even know why. I've rationalized it in my head that I just don't want to have to sit out, but is that really it? I know my team can win without me. There has to be another reason. I've thought maybe it's because I want to seem tough like I can survive the pain. But some how that doesn't seem right either. There is just something, maybe a combination of a bunch of things, that makes me avoid doing it at all costs.

I promised I would go though if it hurt, so I guess I'll either have to be super careful tomorrow, or face it up and see what I can do for this ankle. If they say I can't play though then I just might have to kill someone, esp because I have two club games this weekend, and they can't stop me from playing in those, but my parents can. ugh. I just wish it would feel better.

Story time

So... Once upon a time, well actually today, but anyways...I was in bio class and I had dressed up for a presentation. This involved wearing flats which hurt my ankle, but it also involved wearing a skirt. A very fun skirt that made me want to dance. I also had an amazing dancing song stuck in my head, Footloose. So I had my own mini dance party in bio, even leaving my skirt of after class so that I could have my own little dance party to cheer me up when ever I wanted during tech. It made me happy. Then end :)

Silly Ankle

So yes. My ankle is swollen and sore again. But yet again I refuse to go to the trainers. It's been sore/swollen on and off for almost 2 weeks now. Just not sore enough to go be told I can't play for 3 weeks by the trainers. It only hurts when I punt or kick the soccer ball badly and don't lock my ankle. It just doesn't seem worth it to me. Although I have also considered the fact that I'm just being stupid.

But until I get a better reason to see the trainer or we don't have a game with in a few days, I think ice will solve my problem just fine :)