Scared of Trying Again

So I tried out for, thought I had a good chance of making it, and didn't make it on the swing team at school last week. Now there is still club(which a lot of team members also go to). And yes, he goes. But some how I'm finding it hard to go again this week. It's like I've been there and they've seen me try for the team and not make it. And I guess in my mind that means I fail, and I don't like it when people know I fail, hence I really don't want to go back even though I enjoy it, and I enjoy the people. Failing to me is almost physically painful, like getting stabbed through the heart, but I just normally don't let people see it, acting nonchalant about it. As I'm writing this I'm seeing how silly I'm being, but really, I hate it when people see me fail. So we will see. Maybe I will go. Maybe I won't go. The problem is I also don't want to be seen as a quitter who tried out didn't make it and then just left. Sort of contradictory huh? I'm thinking maybe just skip one week and then go. But then it would seem like I'm quitting. So maybe go this week and then decide after that. I'm not sure. Just a little scared.

Ground work...my new favorite activity?

So since Lolli's been having some minor leading problems, and also loading problems yesterday, I decided to just do groundwork today. And it was possibly one of the best days I've had with her in a long time. It was just so relaxing. We weren't trying to rush into something. We weren't doing something that involved a lot of focus, but we could just enjoy each others company. And from start to finish I definitely felt like I knew her more and we trusted and understood each other more. Not that we don't other days, just this was so...so....refreshing. Hopefully now we will have solved some of those problems, but even if we didn't it was an awesome lesson. I guess somedays you have to step back, look at what needs to be done, when it needs to be done, and take an easy day. Focus on a short term goal. You don't always have to be taking giant leaps towards the long term. Slow down and just enjoy the time you have now.

Why doesn't he get the hint?

So I keep mentioning to Dad that he should get me a doctors appointment. He says yeah maybe, but still hasn't. It's been two weeks. If he really knew me he would know that I don't want to bug him about it because I don't really want to go. He would notice that when ever I talk about my knee I say it's still sore at some points.

I realize it's partly my fault. But I really don't want to go and have the doctor tell me I can't run for another 3 weeks, or more likely I have to have a minor surgery. But I also don't want it to get worse. And I would rather not play now, then not be able to play in the spring, or farther along not be able to play at all. The doctor even said I should come back after the season is over. I still can't move it as far as my other knee without it feeling weird. It doesn't really hurt, but I think it would hurt other people pretty badly considering it almost hurts. And also even when my knee was first hurt and I couldn't walk on it. It hurt, but not really badly, I thought I should be able to walk on it, and I tried, but I feel like other people would have not moved all day. And it still hurts when I twist it, like when I roll over in bed ( although, again, it's not really a hurt, but a, "that doesn't feel right."). So I really should go to the doctor, but I only wish Dad would decide that too and make me go.

The Last Hoorah!

The very last part of the TJFH season was tonight with the Fall Sports banquet. It was sad, but nice to see everyone together again one last time, although hopefully we still have the team sleepover. I love these girls so much. "She is one of the most hard working and will go far...And the one good thing about her and Laura being injured was they became really close." Sort of what Coach said about me. And I am not trying to brag. Just trying to remember. It is true though. A lot of my good memories of those three horrible weeks of not playing was passing with Laura at the games, pretending to run around and be as crazy as we could. Practicing flicking and pushes and trying almost anything. Have you ever played field hockey with crutches? We did. Thrown ice cubes at people as they ran by? We did. Had races of the gimps? We did. One on one, with crutches as a stick and or support including jabs? We did. Wishing we could play? We did. I guess you could say we became really good friends. It was a great season though, and I'm gonna miss every single person on this team. There will never be another season like this. I love TJFH '10.

That competitive friendlyness

When people are competeing against each other even though they are friends it can be sort of funny to watch. Its a completely new situation then any other situation.

It starts out with the typical "hello's" possibly a "how are you doing?"although since they are competing neither would give a response indicating that they are bad off in anyway. And if it's on a field or someplace where they can move away it will often end here and each will go talk to a team mate, or some one they don't perceive as a threat or someone who will increase there chances of winning. But when the two are kept in close corridors it has to keep going as neither wants to be considered impolite for letting the conversation drop. You make casual conversation, nothing too deep, and almost definitely not about what you are competing for. Generally you can tell too, by the way someone talks to you if they think you are a threat to them or not.
Just watch next time your in the situation. It's quite interesting.

Change Quotes

Not that I'm avoiding homework or anything, but some of these quotes really hit something. And this video is absolutely amazing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AYwZb7Uv6XE&feature=sub

I need to remember this...

"There is nothing wrong with change, if it is in the right direction."

~Winston Churchill

Then ending of this one is sad, but the first half is so true.

"You've changed so much. I guess that's what happens. I wish you knew how much you changed me. I wonder if I changed you, if your life is different because of me. Because mine's different. You taught me so much, and now we don't even talk to each other. I guess that's what happens."

This one is just good.

"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."

One more...

"Any change, even a change for the better is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts."

~Arnold Bennett

Love Hate Relation With Drama

First off, drama people have bug egos. Actors have even bigger. Just got to put that out there.

So, Drama (AKA, Pride and Prejudice) has started for me again now. I love it when I'm there, but when I think about what I could be doing otherwise I hate it. For example, I was dreading going today. Not wanting to go at all, wishing I could just go home. But once I got there I enjoyed myself. And even now when I'm home and just finished and enjoyed myself I don't really want to go back. Don't want to go again this week. Last year it wasn't like this. But last year there were different people.

I wish there were still the seniors from last year though. I miss them. Maybe I just don't know many of them this year, but it seems like half of Drama's personality has left. I miss them. I miss them a lot. I miss the role models they gave me and the fun times. I miss the protection they gave me from the other scary upperclassmen (not that they were that scary, but it always felt good to have a senior on our side). I miss having someone else in charge. I miss.

"Even though we've changed and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not still friends."

I guess thats the way you have to think about it. You move on, and change, but in the end are friends will always be are friends, no matter how much you see them. A friend you can always call up whether it be a good or bad day and they can make it even better. You can miss them, but you will see them again someday.

What a day...

So there's this boy...I'm not gonna write about that right now, but there is...

It was a good Friday, even though I had a test in every class. I think I did decent, AKA not bad, but not good enough. Some how though, I didn't care. I would rather have fun then study for the extra 2 hours so I can get an A. Some how a B + 2 more hours free time seems good enough. I mean, if I was to die tomorrow, I don't want to have studied that extra two hours and then not take the test. I'm not saying I don't enjoy school and I don't like learning. I LOVE LEARNING! I just don't like tests. I'm working on it though. I know I need to get better grades this quarter and I will. The first quarter for me is always the worst. I just have to learn how hard I really have to work for an A. Well, except for French. French I am just bad at. I've been trying my hardest and working my butt off at it since day 1, and it is still my lowest grade, and it is a bad grade too. I just can't do it. It's the same grade from last year. UGH. I really do try!!

But it was still a good day. 8th period was pretty amazing. Especially b-block....

Have I mentioned that I love my pony. She was so good today. We did all sorts of flat work with poles. Canter poles, trot poles (3), trot poles with standards (2), raised trot poles. She just took it all in stride (haha get it. In stride. okay, its over. sorry 'bout that. I've eaten too much candy.) Aww but so sweet. And we were practicing our sitting trot and she was like umm...what are you doing? And you could just tell she was thinking about it and then she figure it out and relaxed with it!! What a smart girl. I also figured something out. Her biggest problem with the sitting trot is my hands tend to move a lot, which she hates. So I've found that if I raise my hands a little higher and focus on carrying them more, they stay stiller and Lolli goes better. She is so cute. I love her. Don't know what I would do with out her.

NaNoWriMo 2010: Day 1

www.nanowrimo.org

I am supposed to write 1667 words by the end of the day and I don't even have a plot. Hmmmm....I'm thinking if I find a plot by the end of the day today then I have all of tomorrow to catch up. Sounds like a plan.