I've been in such a great mood recently. Not sure what it is. But I love it. Even though there are so many things that I should be hating right now (my french Pals and presentation. eww) I can't help but look past those and just enjoy. I've also found this great song. I've listened to it a billion hundred times in the past day I think. It's just so peaceful. Take a listen
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5XkwJJW0lB4
Also my pony was so incredible this weekend. Something just clicked. I swear we could have done almost everything. I was ready to pack up and just go to a dressage show right then and there.
Life is good.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Saturday, May 15, 2010
True Beauty
"Horses lend us the wings we lack."
Shining in the late afternoon sun and soft clop of hooves falls over the gravel. Then in the ring they make a softer sound and the dirt is heard flying as we go faster. A slight movement on my part and suddenly we are flying down the edge of the ring in an extended canter.
I feel the power between my fingers and let it run between them as we keep going. Upon reaching the corner though I give a slight squeeze and with in a second I am holding the power in my hands. Ready to do with it what I like. I take even more power and suddenly we are back in a collected trot. I can feel Lolli's head at the end of the reins, yet it is light and I am not holding it there. It is there of its own accord.
I glance down at our shadow. A perfect silhouette is outlined in the sand of the ring. Horse and rider move forward together. I smile. We reach the end of the ring and turn. Once again with a slight movement of my body and suddenly we are taking off in and extended trot. The power beneath me is amazing and yet I know there is more. I know this because I can feel it between my hands. I can't help but smile even more. The joy, the wonder of these amazing creatures.
Most people would say you have to see beauty, yet in these moments I feel it and am able to hold it between my hands.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Oh my...
It's been a rough day. I've been in sort of a bad mood, and probably have been sort of trying to stay there which is bad. This morning I was doing everything I could to not look at the few JV players still coming in with there bag. I just couldn't look. I was afraid I would just totally not be able to stand it. Then several times today I've had people come up to me and say what a great save I made yesterday, some even imitating it. (it was a one handed save from a one on one about 7 yards out.) this includes people who were there and saw it and multiple people who have heard about it. Wow. Very surprising. The toughest moment of the day though was definitely when I was working with someone (who got moved up) and someone came over and said "i heard both of you got moved up to varsity. Congratulations." It pained me so much to say, "well, no, I didn't get moved up, but she did." Such a horrible feeling. But I said it.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
No One Understand Just How Much I Want It
I've got a lot of ranting to do. And i understand no one cares probably, but it keeps me sane. Sorry.
Closure. I need closure. The soccer season is not closed. It's just not. We haven't had any real practices this week. Monday was a game and Tuesday was inside with varsity and yesterday it was only for 45 minutes because of rain. Today we lost. I can't stand it. After wards the coaches were talking about the season a little bit, for like 2 minutes, but I was too worked up to listen. I had wanted to win. Bad. Really bad. Now its just over. Over. Nothing more. It all stops. Stops suddenly like a horse refuses a jump. And that same deadly feeling enters my stomach. Coach Luis, the one I really respect and who actually knows what he is doing all he says is to make sure we turn in equipment. What is up with that?! Tell us something. Tell us how badly we played today. Tell us anything, but not that. I don't want to. Then when we are leaving he asks someone if they will be at practice tomorrow. That of course reminds me that some people are getting pulled up to Varsity. I assume its the people that were at practice the other day. Which I was. But I had also never heard anything official about it. I ask someone else. They say they got an email about it. They probably couldn't tell but that was like a bullet right through the heart, but not killing. Then getting shot again and again. I'd been trying not to get my hopes up all week. Trying to tell myself they already had two goalies. But I'm not sure anyone understands how much I wanted to get pulled up. I even had a dream the other night that the back up goalie broke her leg. I was so happy in my dream. Of course I would feel so bad for her in real life and feel really bad taking her spot. At least I think. Nobody understands how much I wanted this. it would have made my life. So much. That is what put me over the edge. And I have to love Namita for looking at me and just knowing something was up. She really did. She came over and game me a hug, and it made me start crying, but it was exactly what I needed. Exactly. That and she told me how good I was in goal. Made me laugh. Made it not so bad, even though she thought I was crying at the game, which was probably a lot of it, but it was also life.
Basically what Namita did that for me. Let me look at me from the outside. See I don't need to be as good as K-Mart yet. I might not totally believe it, but for the moment it did. And actually I'm not sure she will ever know how much what she did meant to me. It did me so much good.
I wish more people would do that. Its horrible of me, but I hide my feelings and still expect people to find a way to see through me and help me out. I think I do it so I can see who really knows me and cares, even though I know there are plenty of people who care for me but can't always see through my disguise.
Back to closure. Something needs to happen. I can't just let the season go like this. It will bug me.
Also. While we were warming up the softball field was blasting Party in the U.S.A. I could barely hear it, but it brought back memories of field hockey. I miss that too. Can't wait till the fall for that. Of course I really want to be on varsity for that too. We will see how this works out.
Please don't shot me. Just give me love and attention and I will be forever grateful.
Closure. I need closure. The soccer season is not closed. It's just not. We haven't had any real practices this week. Monday was a game and Tuesday was inside with varsity and yesterday it was only for 45 minutes because of rain. Today we lost. I can't stand it. After wards the coaches were talking about the season a little bit, for like 2 minutes, but I was too worked up to listen. I had wanted to win. Bad. Really bad. Now its just over. Over. Nothing more. It all stops. Stops suddenly like a horse refuses a jump. And that same deadly feeling enters my stomach. Coach Luis, the one I really respect and who actually knows what he is doing all he says is to make sure we turn in equipment. What is up with that?! Tell us something. Tell us how badly we played today. Tell us anything, but not that. I don't want to. Then when we are leaving he asks someone if they will be at practice tomorrow. That of course reminds me that some people are getting pulled up to Varsity. I assume its the people that were at practice the other day. Which I was. But I had also never heard anything official about it. I ask someone else. They say they got an email about it. They probably couldn't tell but that was like a bullet right through the heart, but not killing. Then getting shot again and again. I'd been trying not to get my hopes up all week. Trying to tell myself they already had two goalies. But I'm not sure anyone understands how much I wanted to get pulled up. I even had a dream the other night that the back up goalie broke her leg. I was so happy in my dream. Of course I would feel so bad for her in real life and feel really bad taking her spot. At least I think. Nobody understands how much I wanted this. it would have made my life. So much. That is what put me over the edge. And I have to love Namita for looking at me and just knowing something was up. She really did. She came over and game me a hug, and it made me start crying, but it was exactly what I needed. Exactly. That and she told me how good I was in goal. Made me laugh. Made it not so bad, even though she thought I was crying at the game, which was probably a lot of it, but it was also life.
“The only service a friend can really render is to keep your courage by holding up to you a mirror in which you can see a noble image of yourself” -George Bernard Shaw
Basically what Namita did that for me. Let me look at me from the outside. See I don't need to be as good as K-Mart yet. I might not totally believe it, but for the moment it did. And actually I'm not sure she will ever know how much what she did meant to me. It did me so much good.
I wish more people would do that. Its horrible of me, but I hide my feelings and still expect people to find a way to see through me and help me out. I think I do it so I can see who really knows me and cares, even though I know there are plenty of people who care for me but can't always see through my disguise.
“Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over.” - Gloria Naylor
Back to closure. Something needs to happen. I can't just let the season go like this. It will bug me.
Also. While we were warming up the softball field was blasting Party in the U.S.A. I could barely hear it, but it brought back memories of field hockey. I miss that too. Can't wait till the fall for that. Of course I really want to be on varsity for that too. We will see how this works out.
Please don't shot me. Just give me love and attention and I will be forever grateful.
“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”
Doesn't know what to think, or say or do...
...or basically anything. Lets just say I'm a little bit of a wreck right now. Not a wreck like breaking down and crying, just I don't know. Unstable? Unsure? Neither of those it quite right, but the word doesn't matter.
Soccer and Drama (theatre) and School and Friends and Family. All sending me in to a turmoil. Last game of our season tonight. We lost. I'm pissed. I'm sad. I actually almost started crying. We didn't play well, but I love my team. Then sometimes I hate them. I love it when I make a great save. Then hate myself when I don't do as well as K-Mart. I love playing goal, but hate not playing in the field. See why this could cause problems? I love it when Julia is so excited about the Varsity games, but hate that I don't know them as well as her and that I'm was in a sort of bad mood and she's making me happy(as being around happy people will do). But also love her making me feel better. I'm pissed off at myself for not being good enough to be pulled up to Varsity, but happy that I will be able to spend my time on the musicals next week. And there is next year. I don't even want to think about that now. Ew. No.
Next rant...
Drama. So i get an email saying I should be trained in lights too. What is this? I'm happy. I think. But why? There has got to be some reason behind it. Good or bad I'm not sure. But it worries me. It might not usually but with so much other stuff going on it does. Plus next year I'm not sure what is gonna be happening. I have yet to figure out really how me and the other tech get along. Sure we get along, but there is all this other stuff you have to figure out about each other if you know what I mean. Next week is musicals though. I guess I'm happy. I'm sure it will be fun. But once again I can't help but wish I was playing with Varsity.
School is well....schoolish. Some days I love it. Some days I hate it so much. That one is easy. And friends. I love them. A lot of them are on a crew trip. There are a lot of people I wish I was better friends with. And family. Well. Thats probably pretty normal. You may hate them sometimes you think. But really you love them all to death and would do anything for them. Some times work too hard to please them and fail to please your self.
Oh yeah. And my horse! Or not mine. But Lolli. The horse I ride. It's sad because I don't want to grow super close to her because I know they are attempting to sell her. But I don't enjoy it has much if I'm trying to do that. I haven't gotten to ride much, but hopefully I will tomorrow which is good. But I can ride because I don't have soccer. Which is bad.
Its all just tangled up in a big knot. To get to one of the good things, you have to struggle first with one of the bad. The problem is half the time I think I would wait and not make any move unless someone helped me start unwinding the string. I know I need to unwind it myself. But I still like people to help me.
P.S. Sorry my blogs aren't creative and beautifully written recently. I promise I will try to get back to that. I've just really needed a place to rant. And this helps me think. Because usually my thoughts go a million miles an hour, but I can't type that fast, so when I write it I have to slow down and think about my options.
Soccer and Drama (theatre) and School and Friends and Family. All sending me in to a turmoil. Last game of our season tonight. We lost. I'm pissed. I'm sad. I actually almost started crying. We didn't play well, but I love my team. Then sometimes I hate them. I love it when I make a great save. Then hate myself when I don't do as well as K-Mart. I love playing goal, but hate not playing in the field. See why this could cause problems? I love it when Julia is so excited about the Varsity games, but hate that I don't know them as well as her and that I'm was in a sort of bad mood and she's making me happy(as being around happy people will do). But also love her making me feel better. I'm pissed off at myself for not being good enough to be pulled up to Varsity, but happy that I will be able to spend my time on the musicals next week. And there is next year. I don't even want to think about that now. Ew. No.
Next rant...
Drama. So i get an email saying I should be trained in lights too. What is this? I'm happy. I think. But why? There has got to be some reason behind it. Good or bad I'm not sure. But it worries me. It might not usually but with so much other stuff going on it does. Plus next year I'm not sure what is gonna be happening. I have yet to figure out really how me and the other tech get along. Sure we get along, but there is all this other stuff you have to figure out about each other if you know what I mean. Next week is musicals though. I guess I'm happy. I'm sure it will be fun. But once again I can't help but wish I was playing with Varsity.
School is well....schoolish. Some days I love it. Some days I hate it so much. That one is easy. And friends. I love them. A lot of them are on a crew trip. There are a lot of people I wish I was better friends with. And family. Well. Thats probably pretty normal. You may hate them sometimes you think. But really you love them all to death and would do anything for them. Some times work too hard to please them and fail to please your self.
Oh yeah. And my horse! Or not mine. But Lolli. The horse I ride. It's sad because I don't want to grow super close to her because I know they are attempting to sell her. But I don't enjoy it has much if I'm trying to do that. I haven't gotten to ride much, but hopefully I will tomorrow which is good. But I can ride because I don't have soccer. Which is bad.
Its all just tangled up in a big knot. To get to one of the good things, you have to struggle first with one of the bad. The problem is half the time I think I would wait and not make any move unless someone helped me start unwinding the string. I know I need to unwind it myself. But I still like people to help me.
"Do what you want to do and do it for no other reason."
-Anna
P.S. Sorry my blogs aren't creative and beautifully written recently. I promise I will try to get back to that. I've just really needed a place to rant. And this helps me think. Because usually my thoughts go a million miles an hour, but I can't type that fast, so when I write it I have to slow down and think about my options.
“When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best friend will be there”
Monday, May 10, 2010
Should have been a tie
Soccer game tonight. Pretty good game considering we played the number one team in our district. I got a nice bruise from it. Right on my hip and I didn't save the goal either, but it was worth it. I almost have it. Overall I think I played pretty well though. There were no really hard shots, but what I did get I did pretty well with. Even had a couple where I had to run out and dive at the ball causing the other team to have to jump over me. That made me happy.
I stayed and watched the varsity game (of course!) and was ball girl. I enjoyed it. Hearing what was going on by the bench and on the field. Is it bad that it also makes me very happy when I see K-Mart do something that I had done in goal recently? I don't know. It just makes me feel good because that means I must have been doing something right. I wish I was as good as her. She is a freakin' amazing goalie. She's just so good. Julia's song basically sums it up "Wind beneath my wings" with focus on
"It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
but I've got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.
I would be nothing without you.
Did you ever know that you're my hero?
You're everything I wish I could be."
So I had to go find my own. I personally liked these few lines from "My hero is you"
"I believe there ain't nothing you can't do
My hero is you, yeah
My hero is you
And I hope that you can see
You're everything that I wanna be"
The whole song may not fit as well, but those lines fit so perfectly. Enough of my ranting about how good K-Mart is...
The JV and Varsity game both followed the same pattern in the game. Goal in the far corner in the first 10 minutes. Holding there own for the first 15 or 20 and then letting down and the ball in the defensive end for about 20 minutes and then picking it up again at the end of the half. Second half pretty even between both teams. Then in the last 3 minutes pressing really hard and pretty much keeping it in the offensive penalty box. Both games should have been a tie.
My team was playing really well during the parts of the game where they were on. It made me so proud. We have come such a long way since the start of the season. Just one more game and hopefully we can pull out a win. And varsity will go on to districts and hopefully do well as they seem to be peaking at the right time.
Time to do homework. Gonna have some other late nights this week too.
I stayed and watched the varsity game (of course!) and was ball girl. I enjoyed it. Hearing what was going on by the bench and on the field. Is it bad that it also makes me very happy when I see K-Mart do something that I had done in goal recently? I don't know. It just makes me feel good because that means I must have been doing something right. I wish I was as good as her. She is a freakin' amazing goalie. She's just so good. Julia's song basically sums it up "Wind beneath my wings" with focus on
"It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
but I've got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.
I would be nothing without you.
Did you ever know that you're my hero?
You're everything I wish I could be."
So I had to go find my own. I personally liked these few lines from "My hero is you"
"I believe there ain't nothing you can't do
My hero is you, yeah
My hero is you
And I hope that you can see
You're everything that I wanna be"
The whole song may not fit as well, but those lines fit so perfectly. Enough of my ranting about how good K-Mart is...
The JV and Varsity game both followed the same pattern in the game. Goal in the far corner in the first 10 minutes. Holding there own for the first 15 or 20 and then letting down and the ball in the defensive end for about 20 minutes and then picking it up again at the end of the half. Second half pretty even between both teams. Then in the last 3 minutes pressing really hard and pretty much keeping it in the offensive penalty box. Both games should have been a tie.
My team was playing really well during the parts of the game where they were on. It made me so proud. We have come such a long way since the start of the season. Just one more game and hopefully we can pull out a win. And varsity will go on to districts and hopefully do well as they seem to be peaking at the right time.
Time to do homework. Gonna have some other late nights this week too.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Pain Tolerance
People often think I have a high pain tolerance. I don't correct them because it would take too long and they still would not understand, but for the record. I have a pretty high pain tolerance, but not super high. I just will do anything I can to hide it from you. I don't show pain if I can help it. Don't worry if you are confused. It confuses me sometimes too.
Friday, May 7, 2010
What can you do when...
...you don't know what you want. I know it shouldn't be a problem, yet half the time it's so true. I want to really do something, but want to make everyone else happy at the same time. It just doesn't work. You want both, or neither. It is really the most horrible thing, yet at least for me it is unavoidable it would seem. Like right now, how am I am I happy one moment, and literally drowning in madness two minutes later. I don't understand. Example. Tonight at senior night game. Dad is ready to leave. I don't want to. But I also don't want to make him hang around. What do I do? I leave. Get in the car and then say I want to go back. We drive out of the parking lot and then turn around to come back. We get back and I decide I don't want to. It would be so awkward to just walk in again when everyone else is leaving, yet I am dying to talk to some of the varsity players. UGH! I want to be on varsity so bad too. And i'm not sure whats gonna happen next year, which makes me nervous. Very nervous. Lots of training this summer, although I wish I could work with KMart more, because I swear she is a freakin' genius. She's just so good. Like undefinably good. If I could be half as good as her I would be really good and really happy. I want to be on varsity so bad. UGH! I don't think anyone understands how much. Which sort of leaves me to the next answer of above title...
...your trying to pull a whole team up by yourself. Game tonight. So first half I made one of the stupider of stupid mistakes (Okay, so everyone else says it wasn't really my fault, but really. I should have gotten the ball. It was totally my fault, so you can take what you want out of that. It was a cross from the 18 and I was just stuck in no mans land) and let a goal in with about 20 minutes left in the first half. We were pretty even the rest of the half. Should have had at least one goal. Then the second half came. I don't know what happened, but the team played like shit. They played like we were up three nothing and could afford to let a goal in. It bugged me so much. I tried yelling at the team. I tried yelling at individual people. I tried telling. I tried everything, but we could not pick it up. It was basically in our half of the field the whole second half. They didn't deserve to win. They still didn't get any amazing shots off (Although 2 pretty good saves. One when a girl was turned around and the ball was about to bounce right in front of her and I just reached over her head and punched it away. Another off a corner where it was just flying in and I jumped up and grabbed it in the middle of everyone.) But we really didn't deserve to win either. I just didn't know what to do. I really wanted to just be out on the field so I could try to bring some energy to the team. Humpf. I just don't know what to do.
If you read all of this, cheers to you.
...your trying to pull a whole team up by yourself. Game tonight. So first half I made one of the stupider of stupid mistakes (Okay, so everyone else says it wasn't really my fault, but really. I should have gotten the ball. It was totally my fault, so you can take what you want out of that. It was a cross from the 18 and I was just stuck in no mans land) and let a goal in with about 20 minutes left in the first half. We were pretty even the rest of the half. Should have had at least one goal. Then the second half came. I don't know what happened, but the team played like shit. They played like we were up three nothing and could afford to let a goal in. It bugged me so much. I tried yelling at the team. I tried yelling at individual people. I tried telling. I tried everything, but we could not pick it up. It was basically in our half of the field the whole second half. They didn't deserve to win. They still didn't get any amazing shots off (Although 2 pretty good saves. One when a girl was turned around and the ball was about to bounce right in front of her and I just reached over her head and punched it away. Another off a corner where it was just flying in and I jumped up and grabbed it in the middle of everyone.) But we really didn't deserve to win either. I just didn't know what to do. I really wanted to just be out on the field so I could try to bring some energy to the team. Humpf. I just don't know what to do.
If you read all of this, cheers to you.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Death day
School was....UGH!! Math test, which I might have done okay on, but I always think I do well, and then don't. I promise, i may look like I'm bad at math by my grade, but I really like it. THen bio quarter exam. Ew. Ew. Ew. I probably only knew 10/100 question for sure. But thats the same with everyone. It also ends up being who is good at guessing that gets the best grade. The sad thing is I love bio too, but I also need a good teacher...Humpf. Good teachers. I miss my old teachers. Mrs. Porterfield and Ms. Lambert to name a few. Such amazing times with my mind reading. Some how I also felt safe there. More free. More likely to let my guard down. Now, well, there are some people I can let my guard down around, but until you see me outside of school you probably don't really know me. I need people to know me too. Need people to come up to me and ask me if I'm okay and know that when I say "I guess I'm okay" it really means. "Ask me again. I want to tell you, but I'm scared". There used to be many people who understood me enough to do that. Now though I feel like there are only a few, and often those few are too busy to stop and notice. That bugs me. And then puts me in a worse mood. The thing is I also need this more then ever right now. Now when I often feel confused, lost, uncertain. But I realize they have there own stuff they need to do.
Dear Self
Dear self,
I often wonder why you do things. Why were you in such a solitary mood this afternoon? Why didn't you do that even though you were wishing for it? Why do you try to be just like the people you look up to? Why don't you work harder? Why don't you talk to people when inside you are dying to? Why?
Question I ask myself almost everyday, yet I can never find the answer.
I often wonder why you do things. Why were you in such a solitary mood this afternoon? Why didn't you do that even though you were wishing for it? Why do you try to be just like the people you look up to? Why don't you work harder? Why don't you talk to people when inside you are dying to? Why?
Question I ask myself almost everyday, yet I can never find the answer.
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