The Last Hoorah!

The very last part of the TJFH season was tonight with the Fall Sports banquet. It was sad, but nice to see everyone together again one last time, although hopefully we still have the team sleepover. I love these girls so much. "She is one of the most hard working and will go far...And the one good thing about her and Laura being injured was they became really close." Sort of what Coach said about me. And I am not trying to brag. Just trying to remember. It is true though. A lot of my good memories of those three horrible weeks of not playing was passing with Laura at the games, pretending to run around and be as crazy as we could. Practicing flicking and pushes and trying almost anything. Have you ever played field hockey with crutches? We did. Thrown ice cubes at people as they ran by? We did. Had races of the gimps? We did. One on one, with crutches as a stick and or support including jabs? We did. Wishing we could play? We did. I guess you could say we became really good friends. It was a great season though, and I'm gonna miss every single person on this team. There will never be another season like this. I love TJFH '10.

Love Hate Relation With Drama

First off, drama people have bug egos. Actors have even bigger. Just got to put that out there.

So, Drama (AKA, Pride and Prejudice) has started for me again now. I love it when I'm there, but when I think about what I could be doing otherwise I hate it. For example, I was dreading going today. Not wanting to go at all, wishing I could just go home. But once I got there I enjoyed myself. And even now when I'm home and just finished and enjoyed myself I don't really want to go back. Don't want to go again this week. Last year it wasn't like this. But last year there were different people.

I wish there were still the seniors from last year though. I miss them. Maybe I just don't know many of them this year, but it seems like half of Drama's personality has left. I miss them. I miss them a lot. I miss the role models they gave me and the fun times. I miss the protection they gave me from the other scary upperclassmen (not that they were that scary, but it always felt good to have a senior on our side). I miss having someone else in charge. I miss.

"Even though we've changed and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not still friends."

I guess thats the way you have to think about it. You move on, and change, but in the end are friends will always be are friends, no matter how much you see them. A friend you can always call up whether it be a good or bad day and they can make it even better. You can miss them, but you will see them again someday.

My Chance to be 5

I love halloween. I love hanging out with friends, acting like 5 year olds, eating candy, trading candy, seeing everyone's costume. It really just makes me very happy. Then the next day comes the insanity of nanowrimo. And this weekend it just happens to be a four day weekend!

This year is probably my last year trick-or-treating though :( I'm getting too old for some people's liking I'm sure. We'll see though I wasn't planning on going this year, but I did. The three of us dressed up as Pooh Bear, Piglet and Tigger!

"Youth has no age."

Love my team. Hate to lose.

I stared, in the back of my head knowing it was going it, but still believing that Erin and Kelli would save us like they had so many times before. But then I heard the sound. The sound that can be heartbreaking on one end of the field and joyful on the other, unfortunately this time it was the former. Everyone stood and watched, myself included, as the ref blew the whistle and the other team burst out into cheers. But all we could do was watch. Stare in disbelief after 72 minutes of hard play seeing everything slip away from us, just out of our grasp. The statistics all point our way. More shots, more corners, and more time spent in there half. But in the end it didn’t matter. It still got taken away.

I love my team. My girls. My friends. I will always remember you guys no matter what our season ended like. Thanks for an awesome season. It wouldn't be the same next year. <3

Good day

What amazing friends I have. I could never ask for anything better. They all made my day today whether they know it or not. I love them all. So many presents and baked goods. But really it was the smiles and cards that went along with it that made my day. All the cards are now tacked on my wall so the next time I need to know someone cares for me they are there for me to see.

I also love my FH team. Everyone on the team is extremely nice. Playing the team we played tonight (who we beat to go undefeated in the district! Whoot!) made me realize how special and tight are team really is. They were yelling and cursing at each other, and just playing really poorly and getting angry at everyone, including us and their teammate when we would do nothing wrong. Our team is so much better then that. And I think I realized just how special we are. And I think this that someone said pretty much sums it up

"This is a special group of girls. You couldn't ask for anything better."

Other happenings in the game include getting hit hard in the hand about 30 seconds after I went in. It immediately started swelling up and I had a little cut. After the game I was showing it to the team and Coach H comes over and shows Coach D, they send me over to the trainer to get ice. Everyone was so worried, especially P. She sends me back with out a band-aide (it was bleeding pretty bad). On the way back everyone on the team starts singing to me. When Coach H sees I don't have a band-aide she marches on over to get me a band-aide and comes back and helps me put it on. Meanwhile, Coach D is telling me to make sure I ice it real well. I love my team. And it's good to know they care if I get injured.

My parents and brother all went to the game too. Thanks for coming guys, I really appreciate it even if I don't fully show it.

Thanks to my friends(teammates included) and family for letting me have a very special day.

New Seniors?

What happens when someone moves on. They leave or move away. They've taught you a lot. Shown you around. Started letting you see who you really are and giving you an example to live up to. But then they leave. Graduate. It's not your fault, but neither is it theirs. Thats just the way things work.

I don't want new freshman at school this year. I don't want to be a sophomore. The seniors all need to come back. I haven't learned everything I need to from them. These are the people that all year I watched walk among the hallways like they own them. The one's who were always calm cool and collect (except when they found out about colleges). Sure, there will be new seniors this year, but what will they know? They are always juniors in my mind. The class of 2010 had people in it that I respected above all else, and always will. Nothing can change that. I didn't get to learn everything I should have or could have or will from them, but I wish them all well in college or whatever else they may be doing, even if they are leaving me with out completing my lessons from them.

A perfect summer...

What an amazing summer. Spending half days at the barn with my best friend, scattered with meetings of other friends through out. Busy enough, but no overwhelming. Then making the varsity field hockey team. I'm not sure I could ask for more and not feel greedy.

I'll finish this alter mabybe.

Oh my...

It's been a rough day. I've been in sort of a bad mood, and probably have been sort of trying to stay there which is bad. This morning I was doing everything I could to not look at the few JV players still coming in with there bag. I just couldn't look. I was afraid I would just totally not be able to stand it. Then several times today I've had people come up to me and say what a great save I made yesterday, some even imitating it. (it was a one handed save from a one on one about 7 yards out.) this includes people who were there and saw it and multiple people who have heard about it. Wow. Very surprising. The toughest moment of the day though was definitely when I was working with someone (who got moved up) and someone came over and said "i heard both of you got moved up to varsity. Congratulations." It pained me so much to say, "well, no, I didn't get moved up, but she did." Such a horrible feeling. But I said it.

No One Understand Just How Much I Want It

I've got a lot of ranting to do. And i understand no one cares probably, but it keeps me sane. Sorry.

Closure. I need closure. The soccer season is not closed. It's just not. We haven't had any real practices this week. Monday was a game and Tuesday was inside with varsity and yesterday it was only for 45 minutes because of rain. Today we lost. I can't stand it. After wards the coaches were talking about the season a little bit, for like 2 minutes, but I was too worked up to listen. I had wanted to win. Bad. Really bad. Now its just over. Over. Nothing more. It all stops. Stops suddenly like a horse refuses a jump. And that same deadly feeling enters my stomach. Coach Luis, the one I really respect and who actually knows what he is doing all he says is to make sure we turn in equipment. What is up with that?! Tell us something. Tell us how badly we played today. Tell us anything, but not that. I don't want to. Then when we are leaving he asks someone if they will be at practice tomorrow. That of course reminds me that some people are getting pulled up to Varsity. I assume its the people that were at practice the other day. Which I was. But I had also never heard anything official about it. I ask someone else. They say they got an email about it. They probably couldn't tell but that was like a bullet right through the heart, but not killing. Then getting shot again and again. I'd been trying not to get my hopes up all week. Trying to tell myself they already had two goalies. But I'm not sure anyone understands how much I wanted to get pulled up. I even had a dream the other night that the back up goalie broke her leg. I was so happy in my dream. Of course I would feel so bad for her in real life and feel really bad taking her spot. At least I think. Nobody understands how much I wanted this. it would have made my life. So much. That is what put me over the edge. And I have to love Namita for looking at me and just knowing something was up. She really did. She came over and game me a hug, and it made me start crying, but it was exactly what I needed. Exactly. That and she told me how good I was in goal. Made me laugh. Made it not so bad, even though she thought I was crying at the game, which was probably a lot of it, but it was also life.

“The only service a friend can really render is to keep your courage by holding up to you a mirror in which you can see a noble image of yourself” -George Bernard Shaw

Basically what Namita did that for me. Let me look at me from the outside. See I don't need to be as good as K-Mart yet. I might not totally believe it, but for the moment it did. And actually I'm not sure she will ever know how much what she did meant to me. It did me so much good.

I wish more people would do that. Its horrible of me, but I hide my feelings and still expect people to find a way to see through me and help me out. I think I do it so I can see who really knows me and cares, even though I know there are plenty of people who care for me but can't always see through my disguise.

“Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over.” - Gloria Naylor

Back to closure. Something needs to happen. I can't just let the season go like this. It will bug me.

Also. While we were warming up the softball field was blasting Party in the U.S.A. I could barely hear it, but it brought back memories of field hockey. I miss that too. Can't wait till the fall for that. Of course I really want to be on varsity for that too. We will see how this works out.

Please don't shot me. Just give me love and attention and I will be forever grateful.

“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”

Doesn't know what to think, or say or do...

...or basically anything. Lets just say I'm a little bit of a wreck right now. Not a wreck like breaking down and crying, just I don't know. Unstable? Unsure? Neither of those it quite right, but the word doesn't matter.


Soccer and Drama (theatre) and School and Friends and Family. All sending me in to a turmoil. Last game of our season tonight. We lost. I'm pissed. I'm sad. I actually almost started crying. We didn't play well, but I love my team. Then sometimes I hate them. I love it when I make a great save. Then hate myself when I don't do as well as K-Mart. I love playing goal, but hate not playing in the field. See why this could cause problems? I love it when Julia is so excited about the Varsity games, but hate that I don't know them as well as her and that I'm was in a sort of bad mood and she's making me happy(as being around happy people will do). But also love her making me feel better. I'm pissed off at myself for not being good enough to be pulled up to Varsity, but happy that I will be able to spend my time on the musicals next week. And there is next year. I don't even want to think about that now. Ew. No.

Next rant...

Drama. So i get an email saying I should be trained in lights too. What is this? I'm happy. I think. But why? There has got to be some reason behind it. Good or bad I'm not sure. But it worries me. It might not usually but with so much other stuff going on it does. Plus next year I'm not sure what is gonna be happening. I have yet to figure out really how me and the other tech get along. Sure we get along, but there is all this other stuff you have to figure out about each other if you know what I mean. Next week is musicals though. I guess I'm happy. I'm sure it will be fun. But once again I can't help but wish I was playing with Varsity.

School is well....schoolish. Some days I love it. Some days I hate it so much. That one is easy. And friends. I love them. A lot of them are on a crew trip. There are a lot of people I wish I was better friends with. And family. Well. Thats probably pretty normal. You may hate them sometimes you think. But really you love them all to death and would do anything for them. Some times work too hard to please them and fail to please your self.

Oh yeah. And my horse! Or not mine. But Lolli. The horse I ride. It's sad because I don't want to grow super close to her because I know they are attempting to sell her. But I don't enjoy it has much if I'm trying to do that. I haven't gotten to ride much, but hopefully I will tomorrow which is good. But I can ride because I don't have soccer. Which is bad.

Its all just tangled up in a big knot. To get to one of the good things, you have to struggle first with one of the bad. The problem is half the time I think I would wait and not make any move unless someone helped me start unwinding the string. I know I need to unwind it myself. But I still like people to help me.

"Do what you want to do and do it for no other reason."
-Anna

P.S. Sorry my blogs aren't creative and beautifully written recently. I promise I will try to get back to that. I've just really needed a place to rant. And this helps me think. Because usually my thoughts go a million miles an hour, but I can't type that fast, so when I write it I have to slow down and think about my options.

“When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your best friend will be there”

Should have been a tie

Soccer game tonight. Pretty good game considering we played the number one team in our district. I got a nice bruise from it. Right on my hip and I didn't save the goal either, but it was worth it. I almost have it. Overall I think I played pretty well though. There were no really hard shots, but what I did get I did pretty well with. Even had a couple where I had to run out and dive at the ball causing the other team to have to jump over me. That made me happy.

I stayed and watched the varsity game (of course!) and was ball girl. I enjoyed it. Hearing what was going on by the bench and on the field. Is it bad that it also makes me very happy when I see K-Mart do something that I had done in goal recently? I don't know. It just makes me feel good because that means I must have been doing something right. I wish I was as good as her. She is a freakin' amazing goalie. She's just so good. Julia's song basically sums it up "Wind beneath my wings" with focus on
"It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
but I've got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.
I would be nothing without you.

Did you ever know that you're my hero?
You're everything I wish I could be."

So I had to go find my own. I personally liked these few lines from "My hero is you"
"I believe there ain't nothing you can't do
My hero is you, yeah
My hero is you
  And I hope that you can see
You're everything that I wanna be"

The whole song may not fit as well, but those lines fit so perfectly. Enough of my ranting about how good K-Mart is...

The JV and Varsity game both followed the same pattern in the game. Goal in the far corner in the first 10 minutes. Holding there own for the first 15 or 20 and then letting down and the ball in the defensive end for about 20 minutes and then picking it up again at the end of the half. Second half pretty even between both teams. Then in the last 3 minutes pressing really hard and pretty much keeping it in the offensive penalty box. Both games should have been a tie.

My team was playing really well during the parts of the game where they were on. It made me so proud. We have come such a long way since the start of the season. Just one more game and hopefully we can pull out a win. And varsity will go on to districts and hopefully do well as they seem to be peaking at the right time.

Time to do homework. Gonna have some other late nights this week too.

Weekend and observance

She sits with the group, just like she belongs. Perfectly normal. But upon closer examination, even from afar you can tell she isn’t really.

It may be hard to tell at first if she isn’t part of the group because of her choice, or not, but the eyes give it away. They stay steady straight ahead, following the people that walk by. They wander over to the group across the hallway, and a slight smile spreads across her face as a joke is made. Made in that other group. The little signs give it away that she wishes she was there, across the hall.

Her friends talk on, assuming she is the quiet one like always. What they don’t realize is that she isn’t really quiet, she just likes to listen, but give her the chance to talk, especially about something she enjoys and she could go on for hours.

She rejoins the conversation for a bit, but again her gaze drifts away. This time not following people, but lost with in her self. Clearly pondering deeper thoughts then are currently being discussed in the circle. A smile shows on her face as someone makes a joke in the group, but it isn’t a true smile, nor as big as the other members.


I don’t know why I wrote this. I don’t really feel this way. Sure maybe somedays, but not usually. Not today I don’t think. Just something to ponder. It’s amazing how much you can learn about someone from there body language.

This past weekend was fun. LOCK-IN! I pulled off not sleeping for 24 hours. And I must say that talent show was so-proooo!! Made it especially good after we spent a good three hours getting everything to work and it turned out great! ;P

Managed to injury myself again ☺ Don’t even know how this time. I just couldn’t bend my right wrist down all weekend though and it was a little sore. Much better today, I’ve been stretching it, but the trainers don’t have a clue, so they just wrapped it for me for practice Monday.

Hopefully the rest of the week will be good ☺