Mare's Injury Feelings

The below is taken and slightly edited from the description of one of my videos, but I think it fits.

So this video is one of my favorites, and also means a ton to me.

My horse injured her self and is out for probably 6 months. At the least, there's a good chance it will be more, especially if you count all the time we will spend getting her back into some sort of shape through lots and lots of walking. At first I was just super angry and super sad. Angry at myself, angry at the world, and maybe even slightly angry at her. And sad, well, I just could not wrap my head around it all, felt so bad for my horse, and honestly, myself too, even though that sounds so self centered. This was literally days before our first show, which I had been counting down to for literally weeks. And a couple weeks before Christmas.

Then after a couple days I started calming down a bit, doing some research on treatments and stuff. Of course then I discovered some horses don't recover from this. They never jump again. Of course that put me in a slump. And I started making this video. Although I have since found out that most horses actually do return to some sort of work. maybe. This video has a lot of my feelings in it and I think helped me accept her injury, and decide to take it as a learning experience. Helped me decide that no matter what, she will always be special to me, always mean something to me, and I'm never letting go of her. She is the light in my life. Even when I was upset because of her, it was to her stall and her sweet face that I would go to for comfort. So this video is super special to me, including almost every single clip, and I actually think it is one of the best I have ever made. I won't go and explain all the meaning, but I love this video so much.

Not trying to give attitude

So apparently I'm giving my parents "attitude". And maybe I am, I admit. But i'm really not trying to. I'm just not sure they understand how worried I am about my mare. I can't stop thinking about her and I want her to get completely better so bad. I'm just so worried about her that when they say I can't go to the barn to give her the meds she is supposed to get I get really uptight. All I can think about is that she might not get her meds, or her creme, and definitely won't get her legs rewrapped, and might not get her stall cleaned. UGH! I just want her to get better! I'm trying really hard, and its so close to Christmas, but I'm so worried. And also today I went to the doctor because my knee is still bothering me and I will probably have to get surgery, either now, or possibly during the season, or not at all. And that scared the heck out of me too. I just don't know. I'm sorry Mom and Dad.

Scared of Trying Again

So I tried out for, thought I had a good chance of making it, and didn't make it on the swing team at school last week. Now there is still club(which a lot of team members also go to). And yes, he goes. But some how I'm finding it hard to go again this week. It's like I've been there and they've seen me try for the team and not make it. And I guess in my mind that means I fail, and I don't like it when people know I fail, hence I really don't want to go back even though I enjoy it, and I enjoy the people. Failing to me is almost physically painful, like getting stabbed through the heart, but I just normally don't let people see it, acting nonchalant about it. As I'm writing this I'm seeing how silly I'm being, but really, I hate it when people see me fail. So we will see. Maybe I will go. Maybe I won't go. The problem is I also don't want to be seen as a quitter who tried out didn't make it and then just left. Sort of contradictory huh? I'm thinking maybe just skip one week and then go. But then it would seem like I'm quitting. So maybe go this week and then decide after that. I'm not sure. Just a little scared.

Oh my...

It's been a rough day. I've been in sort of a bad mood, and probably have been sort of trying to stay there which is bad. This morning I was doing everything I could to not look at the few JV players still coming in with there bag. I just couldn't look. I was afraid I would just totally not be able to stand it. Then several times today I've had people come up to me and say what a great save I made yesterday, some even imitating it. (it was a one handed save from a one on one about 7 yards out.) this includes people who were there and saw it and multiple people who have heard about it. Wow. Very surprising. The toughest moment of the day though was definitely when I was working with someone (who got moved up) and someone came over and said "i heard both of you got moved up to varsity. Congratulations." It pained me so much to say, "well, no, I didn't get moved up, but she did." Such a horrible feeling. But I said it.