So i'm teching my first event, all by myself on Friday. AHH! I hope i don't die. I'm actually like really stressing out about it. Suddenly learning how much I really don't know. Sure, I know all the technical stuff, but not the stuff before hand, like who people need to talk to to get the piano. And what if I forgot how to operate everything over the summer. Please don't kill me. Please don't kill me. I wish Anna was back/I could ask questions. Ugh. I really don't want to screw up. I hate being wrong more then I hate losing. Speaking of which we won our Field Hockey game last night 2-0. I even got to play the whole game. It's gonna be a good season... As long as I don't die on Friday. I think all the seniors should just not leave.

I wrote this at the end of school (spring chorus show, oh my) , so it's a couple months old, and really rough right now. Linebreaks need a lot of work, but the poem overall means a lot to me. But there are several lines that I can't seem to get right no matter what, but also a couple I absolutely love.

The breeze drifts
in the early summer air.
Stars poke out
as the clouds move in.
I lean back on the bench
and across the street
the lightning bugs dance
their first dance of summer.
I watch,
wishing I could join in.
I let a tear fall.
I am the last one
left at school.
But then,
suddenly,
I am laughing too,
laughing at myself,
the world,
and out of pure exhaustion.
I pause,
and feel the first raindrop.
And then I am up.
Running across the grass.
Singing, laughing, crying,
but all at once.
No one is around to hear
except for the night air.
And for once, I am glad.
I am free.

The grass tickles my feet,
but it only causes me
to jump higher.
I stop thinking
for a minute,
lost in myself.
I collapse in the grass.
Laughing and crying,
again.
Tears race down my face.
Not tears of happiness,
yet I still laugh.
I stare at the clouds
and the raindrops
mix with my tears.

New Seniors?

What happens when someone moves on. They leave or move away. They've taught you a lot. Shown you around. Started letting you see who you really are and giving you an example to live up to. But then they leave. Graduate. It's not your fault, but neither is it theirs. Thats just the way things work.

I don't want new freshman at school this year. I don't want to be a sophomore. The seniors all need to come back. I haven't learned everything I need to from them. These are the people that all year I watched walk among the hallways like they own them. The one's who were always calm cool and collect (except when they found out about colleges). Sure, there will be new seniors this year, but what will they know? They are always juniors in my mind. The class of 2010 had people in it that I respected above all else, and always will. Nothing can change that. I didn't get to learn everything I should have or could have or will from them, but I wish them all well in college or whatever else they may be doing, even if they are leaving me with out completing my lessons from them.

A perfect summer...

What an amazing summer. Spending half days at the barn with my best friend, scattered with meetings of other friends through out. Busy enough, but no overwhelming. Then making the varsity field hockey team. I'm not sure I could ask for more and not feel greedy.

I'll finish this alter mabybe.

Happy

I've been in such a great mood recently. Not sure what it is. But I love it. Even though there are so many things that I should be hating right now (my french Pals and presentation. eww) I can't help but look past those and just enjoy. I've also found this great song. I've listened to it a billion hundred times in the past day I think. It's just so peaceful. Take a listen

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5XkwJJW0lB4

Also my pony was so incredible this weekend. Something just clicked. I swear we could have done almost everything. I was ready to pack up and just go to a dressage show right then and there.

Life is good.

True Beauty

"Horses lend us the wings we lack."

Shining in the late afternoon sun and soft clop of hooves falls over the gravel. Then in the ring they make a softer sound and the dirt is heard flying as we go faster. A slight movement on my part and suddenly we are flying down the edge of the ring in an extended canter.

I feel the power between my fingers and let it run between them as we keep going. Upon reaching the corner though I give a slight squeeze and with in a second I am holding the power in my hands. Ready to do with it what I like. I take even more power and suddenly we are back in a collected trot. I can feel Lolli's head at the end of the reins, yet it is light and I am not holding it there. It is there of its own accord.

I glance down at our shadow. A perfect silhouette is outlined in the sand of the ring. Horse and rider move forward together. I smile. We reach the end of the ring and turn. Once again with a slight movement of my body and suddenly we are taking off in and extended trot. The power beneath me is amazing and yet I know there is more. I know this because I can feel it between my hands. I can't help but smile even more. The joy, the wonder of these amazing creatures.

Most people would say you have to see beauty, yet in these moments I feel it and am able to hold it between my hands.

Oh my...

It's been a rough day. I've been in sort of a bad mood, and probably have been sort of trying to stay there which is bad. This morning I was doing everything I could to not look at the few JV players still coming in with there bag. I just couldn't look. I was afraid I would just totally not be able to stand it. Then several times today I've had people come up to me and say what a great save I made yesterday, some even imitating it. (it was a one handed save from a one on one about 7 yards out.) this includes people who were there and saw it and multiple people who have heard about it. Wow. Very surprising. The toughest moment of the day though was definitely when I was working with someone (who got moved up) and someone came over and said "i heard both of you got moved up to varsity. Congratulations." It pained me so much to say, "well, no, I didn't get moved up, but she did." Such a horrible feeling. But I said it.